Great Big Sea
February 17th, 2005
America and possibly six other countries have what can only be described as a perverted fascination with food that looks, but does not taste, like fish. Perhaps it is that our inimitable affinity for irony extends into the realm of foodstuffs, perhaps it's some drive to control nature, perhaps we were all wronged by a fish when we were younger. I don't profess to know. But what I do know is that I love me some fish-shaped non fish foods.
Today we'll be doing a review of several of these items. Some you're familiar with, others may be new.
One of the first things that makes me happy about "things that look like things but taste like other things" is just that; the visceral appreciation of remembering when you were young and had to eat fish but hated it. Well now as an adult, you can call up your folks and say, "Yeah, mom, I've been having a lot of fish lately, you know, Omega-3s and all that," when in reality you've just been sitting around eating candy. I suppose it hearkens back to a simpler time before those Harry Potter every-flavor jelly-beans.
GOLDFISH - No point in beating around the bush. Goldfish are the quintessential non-fish fishy food. What other food has ever had a slogan of "The snack that smiles back, until you bite their heads off!"...yeah, that was awesome but it was pretty short lived. Now it's just down to "The snack that smiles back," which is nowhere near as cool. The stupid FCC probably got too many complaints from parents of weeping children.
A slightly salty cracker thing, these cute little buggers always reminded me of the "animal cracker that got away." Somewhere out there, PT Barnum is regretting the day he refused to allow goldfish into his circus. The goldfish cracker, in a rare show of anger, said, "You'll rue the day, Barnum!" And look at him now - ruing. Ruing. And drinking. So the goldfish cracker turned out slightly salty instead of slightly sweet like Animal Crackers. The opposite of real goldfish, which are freshwater fish and not saltwater. Weird, huh? And crazy overanalyzed.
Slightly salty, perfectly bite sized, gently cheesed; this is the Goldfish cracker. They come in several varieties. Above you see the "original" non-cheddared kind. They're humble, like penguins and sleeping baby guinea pigs. Below, on the other hand...
Krazy Kolored Koi! No, no, you're not dreaming! Far too many colors of goldfish than are necessary! This boisterous crew is of course exactly the same as regular cheddar goldfish but with a few extra gallons of chemical colors added. It's like a rave in a box. You could change the emphasis on that and make it a command to a pet bird: "Raven! A box!"
They're fun, handy, and I'm going to be putting them out at a poker party this Friday. Nothing says "high class bling" like multi colored goldfish. Kind of violates the whole "gold" part of "goldfish" but maybe this is an attempt to bring some diversity to the goldfish cracker society. They do have all those freaky real goldfish with giant head tumors and bulby eyes and junk. The least Pepperidge Farms could do is make some funky colors.
GRADE: A All in all, you really can't go wrong with these guys. A staple of American snacking for years. And they go great in tomato soup! Hmmmm, regular cheddar or original goldfish crackers stand out way too obviously. What if you want sneaky, deadly, assassin ninja crackers in your soup? Red goldfish crackers! Now you see them, now you don't. Hiii-yah!
Stay tuned for more deadly fishes.
The next staple of fishfoodological study hails, apparently, from Eeeuuurrrrope. The Swedish Fish! The snack that doesn't smile back - it sits there in a vague haze of cinnamony goodness, confident in knowing that you crave them like a junkie.
Another delightfully humble and understated fish. The Swedish Fish doesn't advertise, because it doesn't need to. Actually it does advertise. They have the word "SWEDISH" stamped right on the side of them - there ain't no mistaking them for some cheap knockoff. Woe to those who buy "Dutch Fish" trying to save a dime...
They're soft, they're sweet, and you can spend hours, days, weeks eating handful after handful of these things. They probably have some crazy addictive additive (hah) in them. They're not as sticky and chewy as traditional gummy bears, which is fantastic. Softer, more forgiving...they're like chewing on a hug. GRADE: A
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