Pimp My Cup.

Brothers, how do you keep your pimp hand strong? Me, well, between keepin' bitches in line, I do exercises. Fill my pimp chalice with a good heavy liquid (I recommend Crevasse, Course-vasse...dangit...Courvoisier, or Crunk Juice) and do 10 reps - table to mouth. I'll do ten or 12 sets of this, then settle in for a good rest.

It may be April Fool's Day, but pimp cups are no joke!

The latest idiotic craze you can't be without is a pimp cup. This materialistic fad surfaced when rappers like Lil' Jon hefted the golden goblets in their top 40, misogynistic, consumption-fest videos. That being said, you know you'll be the life of your party if everyone else is hoisting the classic frat-boy-red plastic cup while you roll in style with a hefty pimp cup!

Not to rain on your parade, but you probably can't afford the thousands of dollars these rappers spend on their glorified dixie cups. Maybe you can, I don't know - that's not my business. But the rest of us usually have to watch our intake and expediture of bling, ice, cheddar, ducats, and especially benjamins.

But even the most un-crunkified white boy (me) can afford the ten or twenty bucks tops it takes to floss some serious materials. Mine ran about $11 because I already had most of the supplemental material.

Plastic Cup - $3 at Wegmans (grocery store)
Jewels! - $8 at Michael's (craft store)
Gold or SilverSpray Paint,
Clear Lacquer Spray (glossy)

First, take your cup. See mine? It's got little flowers down around the bottom. That won't do. Pimps don't "do" flowers, unless it's throwing them on the graves of our enemies. So, these will become part of our pattern for crunky bling. Moving on, wash the cup really well in super hot water. Using spray paint on slick plastic is a tenuous hold at best. You'll have to be real careful to not scratch or smudge anything, especially later, because you can't respray it once you "set" your "jewels" into the "precious metal"...

Spray it! I did several coats. After a coat dries for a few minutes, gently pick up your cup and hold it up to a light. If you can still see light through it, drop it down for another respray. The illusion must be complete! Remember, it's not a lie if you believe it! I chose not to spray the inside of the cup because I'm not quite sure of the poison factor we're dealing with here. Consider that your official disclaimer!

Some geese lay golden eggs. Some dogs piss golden pee.

This was a pretty tedious process, but not nearly as tedious as the next part. Setting (gluing on) your precious gemstones (plastic bits). I looked in my giant junk drawer for superglue, but it eluded me, so I grabbed a tube of model cement. You know, the stuff that's supposed to bond plastic-to-plastic. Apparently this stuff also dissolves metallic spray paint, because it was pulling it up a little around the drops I laid down. Don't worry, they'll even out, but you have to be super super careful. If you try to wipe off an errant dot, you will take off the spray paint with it. And remember what I said earlier, it would be real hard to respray after you've got jewels on.

Start slow. You have to wait a while for each drop of glue to set at least a little before you turn the golden chalice, lest they slide around under the impetus of gravity. You don't necessarily need to plan out patterns before, but you should be able to figure out some simple ones as you go. Big jewel, small jewel, big jewel, small. Simple.

Please check out the second and final page for pictures of the finished cup and me enjoying it!


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