Episode III: Handiwork.
June 3rd, 2005
Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith....is it any coincidence that Sith is an anagram of Shit?
Lucas finally wrapped up the first trilogy. Finally. Let's give him a hand. Actually, give him about six dozen, because that guy has some sort of macabre fetish with cutting off the hands of his actors. I've really got to hand it to him, he made lopping off limbs boring. His playbook must go something like this:
SITUATION: climactic battle
SOLUTION: cut off hands
Apparently the only weakness in a Jedi's (or Sith Lord's) "saberkata" is his hands. You'd think they would have nailed that down some time in the hundreds of years of their existence. They can protect their whole body from a wave of laser blasts but any Jedi or Sith can walk right up to them and lop off their hands. Okay.
SITUATION: new script needed
SOLUTION: defecate in fax machine
Luke losing his hand in the original trilogy was cool. Dramatic. And it actually seemed to cause him pain. And he fell off of Cloud City when it happened. Everyone in Episode III who got their hands cut off (by which I mean Everyone in Episode III) kind of just stood there and looked ticked off. Okay, Anakin got his hand lopped off also, in a previous movie by Dooku. Fine, whatever, like father like son. But here's a list of people who got their hands chopped off in this movie:
Dooku - both hands. After kicking Obi Wan's ass. 
Actually Dooku cut Anakin's hand off earlier so...irony? Justice? No: bullshit.
Mace Windu - one hand. After kicking Palpatine's ass. Reader Mail!
General Grievous - they actually gave him extra hands just to have more to cut off!
Anakin - Just shy of being Darth Vader, he gets his arm cut off (again, remember ), and both legs!
And in Episode VI, Luke cuts off Vader's arm...again.
I guess they just got limb-choppy-happy because they wouldn't have to show any blood. Lightsabers would, of course, instantly cauterize any wounds they inflict. But it really rather loses its impact around the seventeenth disarming.
I mean, if I was a Sith Lord or whatever, I'd just go nuts on some Jedi and lop off their hands, then I'd recreate the scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "You've got no arms left!" "Yes I have!" "LOOK!"
If I was a Jedi, on the other hand, the first thing I would do is get some really, really big bracelets. And no one would make fun of me because I would no longer have any weaknesses. So I'd go all PWSHHHH, VRMMM, SHGHHzzt! on their asses.
Oh yeah, the rest of the movie's plot and dialogue was garbage too:
- Yoda couldn't detect the mitichloryidiansdfn in Palpatine?
- "Stop it Annie, you're breaking my heart!" (Padme commences dying from broken heart.)
- FRANKENVADER *stomp stomp stomp* NOOOO!
- let's wipe C3P0's memory...for fun.
- Q: Where do babies come from? A: The Dark Side of the Force
- Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No it's because I'm so in love.............with you.
Padme: So love has blinded you.
Anakin: Well that's not exactly what I meant. And I'm evil.
Padme: But it's probably true.
Anakin: I'm going to kill dozens of children soon.
Padme: And me!
- What makes someone more evil than killing a bunch of children? Hahaha, I wonder if little kids had nightmares after that. The guy they spent the first two movies rooting for turned around and killed a bunch of them.
- A wookie is nothing more than three ewoks duct taped together.
- Yoda = ET (that ship he blasted off of the Wookie planet with?)
- Padme wouldn't have died if Anakin didn't turn to the dark side of the force, but he turned to the dark side to...prevent her from dying?
- The little bots that cling to Obi-Wan's ship in the beginning, that one that gets shocked and slides off? It wouldn't have slid anywhere; they're in space! There's no friction! It would have continued in the same direction at the same speed that the ship was traveling at the time it got fried, and since he didn't turn till later, it would've just sat there (relative to the ship, of course). I suppose Obi-Wan could have gunned the thruster and just outpaced it, but it sure didn't seem like that. I suppose the gravity of the planet could have pulled it off, but not so quickly as that.
Okay, people are actually taking the time to tell me that Lucas' official position is that they were indeed in the "atmosphere" of the planet and that there would have been some air friction and gravity. But that doesn't mean it's not still stupid.
- R2D2 has the ability to shoot fire and fly around now? He could've killed a couple dozen Jawas on Tatooine, methinks.
- After they spent the last half hour jumping over each other and climbing on melting towers in a world of LAVA, Obi-Wan says "it's over, Anakin, I have the high ground!" Anakin just jumped like 100 feet to get to that platform, but can't defend himself when jumping at Obi-Wan?
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