the Star Wars Holiday Special
December 9th, 2005
This is huge. This is it. The FIFTIETH ARTICLE on theWAREHOUSE, and I'm using it to review The Star Wars Holiday Special! It aired only once ever, in the middle of November back in 1978. That's after the first movie (Episode IV) but before the second (Episode V).
The Holiday Special is more of a variety show, featuring a wide list of weird guest stars and musical acts centered meaninglessly and randomly around the life of Chewie's family. Yes, family. It also features the first appearance of Boba Fett anywhere, and no lightsaber battles or Jedi whatsoever.
Open the special with Han and Chewie in the Millenium Falcon being pursued by the Empire. Chewie needs to get home for a LIFE DAY celebration, while they get pursued by, I think, two star destroyers. They hop to light speed as a narrator takes over, introducing the actors and the characters they play. Yup, the original casts is all here! Even James Earl Jones. ALSO Introducing Chewbacca's Family - his wife Malla, father Itchy, and son, Lumpy. I'm serious.
Special guest stars? Beatrice Arthur, Art Carney, Diane Carroll, the Jefferson Starship, Harvey Coreman, and an animated Star Wars story featuring Boba Fett.
We enter the Chewbacca residence, and it's like a scene out of Alf and Harry and the Hendersons. The three wookiees spend minutes just yelling in wookiee groans at each other! The father looks like a Hell Yeti. Sasquatch Demon. The kid tries to steal a cookie. Minutes pass. Grruurr, Reearou, Meaawrrr, Wowwwrrrruuu! The kid longs for his father. Rowwrrruu! The wife and father long for Chewie to return as well.
Seriously the father looks like a cross between Aughra from the Dark Crystal and the Gremlins from...Gremlins. The kid goes to prove my hypothesis that a wookiee is nothing more than three ewoks taped together.
FINALLY after five minutes of this crap they watch a holo show of some weird dancers and jugglers. Is this like the Dance of the Imperial Sugar Plum Fairies? Doubleyew Tea Eff? They juggle, dance, and make a "human" pyramid. Dudes, if this is all the Holiday Special is going to be, well, you're eating up my dreams here.
Rowrru, Oraa, Oaargh! Rowwr, Erruuugh. TEN MINUTES LATER:
Chewie's wife checks Traffic Control, which tells her there are no starships in the area. Aww, it's going to be a lonely Life Day as Chewie the Absentee Father dicks around in a galaxy far, far away.
They hail Luke, who is sporting a great BOBBY BRADY haircut. Way to go, Mark. What were you thinking? The holiday special goes to an all new level as he fakes interest in what the wookiees are moaning to him. He sounds so disappointed when they call. Malla, Itchy, and Lumpy. Seriously. Great.
Wookiees: Roar, Ewwerrr, Groaughhh! ("Where the hell is Chewbacca, our son/husband/father?") Luke: "ORLY? WTF I dunno! LOL" Actually he really says, "All I can tell you is that he and Han left on schedule. Uh, if they're not there now, they're way overdue! You know how Han and Chewbacca are, anything could have happened!" but it's in such poor, nervous acting that it makes it sound like he's murdered the pair of them, stuffed their chopped up bodies in a foot locker (after feasting on their flesh) and is just trying to play dumb.
Anyway Luke appeases the horrible monsters and coaxes a smile out of Malla. Oh that Luke, he's a charmer.
Mrrowwwr, RUhrraaarh! Hey George, were the wookiees really the ones you should have been focusing your entire famous Holiday Special around?
Art Carney gets harassed by an Imperial Officer. There's no point that I can tell. Oh wait. Okay. Here it is. Carney is a wares dealer who sells crap to the wookiees. Chewie's wife calls him up so he has to speak in code. He asks if that shaggy carpet has shown up yet. She says no, so he reassures her that it's on the way. You know it was made by a little old woman four planets away. You know, she had to do the whole thing herself...by Hand. Solo.
He finishes with I KNOW you UNDERstand. Clueless imperial scum has no clue, the clueless wonder. Clue.
Finally, DARTH VADER shows up very briefly, and he's still hunting for those pesky rebels, threatening a search of every house in the galaxy. Oh noes Darth you're so mean, why, I bet you don't even care that it's Life Day Eve! Grinch Vader.
Momma wookiee contacts...wait. Oh god. It's a TV cooking show. She's making Bantha Surprise. I'm serious. The phrase "yummy yum on your tummy tum" is used. They used "bantha loin" and we have to watch Crazy and Mrs Chewie cooking for several minutes with made up spices. No wonder this is TWO HOURS LONG.
Okay, she's got four arms and we get to watch Mrs Wookiee try to keep up. Oh my goodness.
Finally back in SPACE Han and Chewie are fighting a bunch of Ties outside a Star Destroyer, complaining about the directions and them coming out in the middle of an Imperial convoy. Han runs back to operate the cannons. Drama!
The Imperial Army puts a matrial law blockade around the wookiee planet! Bummer! Due to suspected rebel activity, Chewie won't be able to make it home!
Art Carney shows up with a "mind evaporator" and starts making stupi djokes. Ugh! He brings Slappy or Stinky or whatever a present, and kisses everyone.
What did old Art give Stanky? A box of Legos? No, some stupid model kit.
Art then gives Itchy his present. I think it's the mind evaporator with some sort of sex video in it, because he introduces it as, as...as..."I thought you might like this, it's hard to explain, but wow. Happy Life Day! And I do mean Happy Life Day!"...let's see:
Oh dude, he's tripping! Er, I guess he's "watching a video" of a bunch of weird shit happening. Some sea monkeys swim by, and then this chick fades into being. It's totally sexual and not remotely appropriate for kids:
"I know you're searching for me, searching. I'm here. My voice is for you alone, I'm found in your eyes only. I EXIST FOR YOU. I am in your mind as you create me. OHHHH YESSSS"
WHAT THE HELL!?
"I can feel my creation! hehehe" and by creation I'm sure she means wookiee penis.
"I'm getting your message...are you getting mine?" cut to the old horny wookiee twitching and jerking in his chair! More:
"Oh, OHHH we are excited aren't we?" I'm not even making this up.
"Oh just relax, just relax...now we can have a good time. Can't we?" This is a KIDS SPECIAL?
"I'll tell you a secret....I find you adorable." Again, I'm NOT making this up.
Chewie's father actually rewinds to play that last line again. THREE TIMES. I'm serious.
"I don't need to ask how you found me. I'm your FANTASY. I AM YOUR EXPERIENCE, SO EXPERIENCE ME."
"I am your pleasure! This is our moment together in time, that we might turn this moment into an eternity."
WOW indeed, Art.
Okay she finally starts singing. Holy crap I did not expect this to be such an undertaking but guys, this is crazy. The song has lines like "then i could live my whole life right now. reality is sweet blissfulness, can repeat and repeat this minute? why can't it be always right now? i've parted with yesterday.... all i ask is this moment to hold. how can we ever lose this minute? from all my life i choose this minute, i would give up the old and the new, sharing with you, this minute now." - that's some crazy shit, old wookiee pervert. Actually the chick has a really great voice with a lot of resonance. It sounds like it should be in a James Bond movie - it would be perfect. It's a pretty good song, but not for a freaking wookiee's wet dream (which I assume would be pretty messy) sung by Diahann Carroll.
That, really, ends the scene. Please continue on to the second page, with much much more Star Wars nonsense, including: