the Star Wars Holiday Special
December 9th, 2005
<-- RETURN TO PART 1
Welcome to Part 2 of the Star Wars Holiday Special review!
Cut to C3P0 hailing the wookiees. Hiya Leia. She wishes them a Happy Life Day. She too is looking for Chewie and Han, expecting them to be there. Leia is awesome. She requests THE HUMAN come to the screen because she doesn't want to put up with all that stupid wookiee growling. I bet Carrie Fisher was in the middle of a pound of coke right there and just didn't want to put up with it. Poor girl.
Art Carney smells something good and asks if it's "some of those famous WOOKIEE OOKIES"...seriously, this is pretty messed up.
Cut back to the Millenium Falcon. No light saber yet. Anyway they get through the Imperial Blockade and finally approach the planet.
They land and the wookiees flip their shit running to the door, but who's there? OH SNAP it's Storm Troopers! OH NOES. They bust in all "yo bitch" and the wookiees are all like "oh noes you dittin!"
They're looking for Han and Chewie! It's that search Vader threatened! Well they look around in the weakest search ever. They ask where "the other wookiee male" is, and Art Carney diffuses the situation. Blah blah.
One of the Imperial Guards wants to check out the present Art got for Malla or whatever her name is. Ugh, another side show thing. Trippy purple lights.
OH MY GAWD it's dirty. Well they do another song, and this time it's Jefferson Starship. It's kinda cool. Even the Imperial Soldier is tapping his finger along with it. Is he singing into a lightsaber? Let's call that a lightsaber. Oh I get it, their instruments all glow when they're being used. I'm going to say he's a Jedi wielding a lightsaber. THE LIGHTSABER OF ROCK.
Will you light the sky on fire?
Will you light tonight like you did the night before?
Hey! You could take me higher than the diamonds in the sky.
Pretty cool.
Anyway that wraps up and the Imperial Soldier remembers he's in the middle of a search of a home. The stormtroopers go to search the upper area, and they act like total Nazis. It's like Schindler's List or something.
The kid takes a break to watch a short cartoon. For those paying attention, this is the first appearance of Boba Fett. Ever. It is really pretty cool. It's done in great 70s animation style. The plot is forgettable - they're looking for a relic that makes humans fall asleep. But Boba Fett befriends them to gain intel, but gets discovered as an Imperial hired bounty hunter and so rockets off in his jet pack, or rockets off in his jet pack, something. Regardless, the animation is great, like that old Heavy Metal rock cartoon movie. Check out Han Solo.
So back to the wookiee house, they're pretty much trashing the place. We get to watch the soldiers be total douchebags for a few minutes, even ripping the head of the kid's bantha doll. Finally they declare the search over and just leave. Jerks. Some Life Day this is turning out to be.
The kid plugs in some stupid thing to contact with Amorphian beings. WTF? Oh what the hell. The guy says "this is the first thing you'll need. Please be careful not to hurt yourself on the sharp edges" and then he proceeds to jam it into his chin. Great safety standards, 70s. Okay, yeah, so he's some robot or someting and keeps slowing down and speeding up. Great.
Okay, I think the wookiee kid is building a computer program to impersonate an Imperial officer. Er, so is that why mini-darth built C3PO? Was George Lucas ripping off himself? What the heck, jerk, that's just lame. Go cut off some more hands.
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By the way, there were commercials on my tape...
Ooh required viewing by the Imperial loyalty army. It's the FIRST reality TV show?! They show "life on Tatoiine" "live and unedited" so that our lives may be enriched by the comparison. So what do we end up watching? Old people flirting in the Star Wars universe. This is Bea Arthur's segment. Great. What is going on? The guy actually gets turned down on Christma- err, Life Day.
Anyway the Empire imposes a curfew, but the patrons refuse to leave the bar and the bartender sings a song about everyone leaving. "Next time you're dry friend, try stopping by, friend" - great, encouraging alcoholism. It's kind of depressing. Great freaking Christma...sorry...Life Day cheer.
Finally the Imperial Guards leave, but they leave behind a Storm Trooper. Oh great, it was the kid with his little programming station. He make a fake guy say "return to base" over and over to trick the Empire. Good job kid, you're gonna get your family Genocided. Wookieecided. Murderated
FINALLY Chewie and Han show up as the Stormtrooper is about to blast the fur of the annoying kid. They push him off the balcony and he falls, presumably, to his death. Great, no one will notice that and come destroy the village or anything.
Alright, so Han just drops off Chewie (ie, didn't want to do this any more) and he leaves with a great line. "Have a nice Life....Day" Bahaha. WOOKIEE HUG.
Great, now all the good respectable humans are gone and it's just four freaking wookiees standing around growling:
Chewie: Rowrrr.
Malla: Rowrrr.
Chewie: Rowwwwrrrr.
Malla: Rowwwugh.
Chewie: Grawwr?
Itchy: Graewewerwerwerwer!
Chewie: Grewweerrrr.
Slappy: Rowrow waor rwao roaw rwawowrow orwoaorwr woaow roawro!
Minutes pass like this. Art shows up, confirming the Stormtrooper is dead. The Empire figures out the guy's dead, and Art comes to the rescue. He tells the Empire that the lone Stormtrooper robbed them all blind and ran away, which will apparently solve all their problems. He even says to the wookiees, "May the Force be with you" or "M4y teh F0RC3 be wit J00!" or something.
WTH is this? Thye all stand around with sparkly globes. The magic of Life Day! What is this, what the hell? They transform into themselves in red robes, billions of people walking into a white light. What the HELL?
Symbolic, I suppose, of the universal nature of the, er, universe.
The droids, not being alive, are there for some reason. "It is at times like this that R2 and I wish we were more than just mechanical beings. And were really alive. So that we could share our feelings with you." Aww, you just did, you bucket of bolts, aww shucks.
Han and Leia run up, not wearing red robes. Ohhh, I get it, it's just for the wookiees. Leia makes some stupid politically motivated speech (this day is important to you but I hope it brings us all closer to freedom from the Evildoers and Terrorists)
Then she sings! Rock on Carrie Fisher, Rock On, wherever you are. You go, girlfriend.
We celebrate a day of peace. A day of
harmony. A day of joy we can all share
together joyously.
Really. I'm not making any of this up. What was Carrie thinking when she had to film this part? Carrie, email me baby. My wife understands about the metal slave bikini, it's totally fine.
Some music plays while, er, some highlights of the actual movie play? Weird.
Wrapping up this madness, the wookiees are returned to their home. I guess every wookiee everywhere just got together to hear Leia sing? Why not.
They have silent prayer around their Life Balls and roll credits. Aww.
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