February 12th, 2006 |
Become a Number One Man!
| Return of Street Fighter | ||||||||||||||||||
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Alright, a lot of this movie is just people jumping around punching each other. But if you are patient and read on a way I promise you a great and stunning (and gross) payback that's not even halfway through the film! Return of the Street Fighter. More sadistic beatings than you can stake a shit at.
Terry Tsurugi is back! But now it's spelled Sugury. Really. They changed the way the main character's name is spelled.
I know what you're thinking - how in the hell did this guy get out of the obvious death trap that was set for him at the end of the last movie?
Hush up! This is a different movie!
Seriously, forget everything you knew from the first movie. After the whiplash ending of the last movie, no explanation is given how Street Fighter survived, or how the plot with the Heiress played out. It's almost as if no quarter was given to the plot, and once they ran out of fight scenes the just sort of stopped the movie.
Nonetheless, here we have another brutal and twisted movie filled with orange ninjas and screaming blood. Or was that orange blood and screaming ninjas? And hippies and idiots. And oompa-loompas and partridges in pear trees.
Terry, the Street Fighter, is being hired to "take out" an accountant who's being grilled at the police station. Yay.
One minute and thirty seconds into the movie we're treated to a motorbike chase where cops are speeding down the road after Street Fighter. He crashes the bike into a wrought iron fence, and somehow uses the momentum to leap over the top of the fence. Well not that I'm a stickler for conservation of momentum or anything but that's pretty freakin' ludicrous, guys.
Inside, a bunch of security agents run up to him and promptly get beat down. One of them yells "Stop or I'll shoot!" and immediately proceeds to jog down the steps into Terry's fist.
None of the matters, however. Why did you waste time reading it? Apparently he did all this just to get himself arrested, so he could get into police headquarters and, therefore, closer to his target. Foregoing all pretenses of subtlety, Street Fighter immediately knocks out all the guards surrounding him, breaks down the door to the interrogation room, and sticks his fingers through the throat of his target, ripping out his arteries. Oh wait, no, he didn't. He just damaged his vocal cord. Yes, that's right. He's not dead.
Deaths: 0
Severe Beatings: 1
If you can get your hands on this, check out the audio right here. They play the same audio clip of a guy going "Oaghhh, Hoo-aght!" twice, one right after the other. It's like, well, once was nice but twice is awesome! Laaaame! Ha ha ha. They do this several times throughout the movie.
Please note that none of these dozen or so guards who are attacking him are armed in any way. A police station, and no one has a gun. Genius.
Deaths: 0
Severe Beatings: 11 (let's say 10 cops and the earlier security guards from the other place)
"His vocal cords are damaged. He's never going to talk to anyone!" OH MY GOD, give him a pen and a piece of paper, you freaking idiots. Regardless, this is the last that this person matters to the entire movie.
Anyway, SF leaps out the window into a waiting car. But who's his assistant now? His previous lackey died after running a motorcycle into a wall and falling over. It's some woman but...who knows who?
They actually listen to an 8-track. Nice.
Scene about shame at the police department. Blah.
The second guy SF was contracted to kill is currently being chased by the police. SF sneaks in, kicks the guy a few times and takes his bag. Then he runs away, letting the police shoot the guy to death! Very efficient, mister Return of the Street Fighter.
Deaths: 1
Severe Beatings: 11
Moving on, we're treated (?) to an extended scene introducing us to the fact that we're back at the karate school.
Um. Did they really need to identify the weapon for us?
And here's our first look at Street Fighter's sidekick. Nerd!
Again. Really?
The, uh, weapons lesson goes on for a bit, but finally we get back to Street Fighter's nerd chick. Inside the bag was a random solid gold statue that was some important national treasure. It doesn't matter at all.
On the plus side, Street Fighter's chick talks in weird 70s lingo, like calling cops "the fuzz" and calling everyone "dad"
We get to watch people break little stone plates, the same clip in fact from the first Street Fighter! Hoorah.
Oh no, some little Ewok of a kid seems to be in this one. He's struggling to perfect his technique. Oh I hope Street Fighter throws the kid through a window. In fact, I'm not even going to include a screenshot of him. Screw that kid.
Enter more boring cop stuff. Who cares? You're not the Street Fighter! Go back to Sonny Chiba! SONNY CHIBA!
In a flashback to the first movie, we find out that the leader of the karate school whom Street Fighter challenged to a fight is still running the karate school. Someone may be using his name, however, to illegally acquire billions of Yen. I don't know how - I doubt it matters. Some poindexter good-guy cop is "on the case" and now you're caught up.
Man, those animated gifs of the guys breaking bricks are hilarious. Hahaha. Yes.
Street Fighter, by which I mean Sonny Chiba, makes weird little noises as he's fighting. Not quite like the Bruce Lee honorable "wooo!" or anything, but similar. They're almost more bestial, more vicious and more guttural. It's actually pretty interesting to notice their styles. The difference between Jeet Kune Do and Karate?
Here's another scene of the stupid Ewok kid. Oh man, Street Fighter, kick that kid's ass. Seriously, though, this is the last he's in the movie. His inclusion is completely random and useless.
A random guy actually kicks apart a flower pot as part of his martial arts routine. He's the top karate fighter from "his country" - probably America, I think. He'll show up later, I assume. I think he does, but he's wearing a turban. What the...who cares? Faster, Harder, Scooter.
What the hell? The random cop guy who's trying to investigate the billions of Yen missing goes to interview a guy. On his way out, a guard touches him and he just loses his freaking mind. He starts yelling and throwing people through windows! All these other martial artists immediately rush into the room and everybody was kung fu fighting! Those cats were fast as lightning! (In fact, it was a little bit frightning, but they fought with expert timing)
Deaths: 1
Severe Beatings: 16 (we'll just give him 5 because he's not very cool)
Anyway the fight is over, whatever. And much like the ewok kid, that's the last time this guy is in the movie. How freaking stupid is that?
Street Fighter is doing some fancy aerobics. Good for him. Yes we're all very impressed. Montage! Go back to poking out the eyes of your opponents.
We get to watch him work out for a while, and we get to watch some other dude bend metal bars (hah) over his neck. I think it's the master of the karate school.
Street Fighter's annoying hip girl says "It's groovy Jack!...Ooh I love Americans, they taught me to groove! I dug it!" Then Street Fighter gets a message - delivered through an 8-track tape no less. And he's back on the job again!
A mute white hippie (really) gives Terry the keys to a locker in the subway. I don't know why. He goes down and opens it, and finds.....a dozen roses! Underneath is...a snake! Just kidding. It's a case full of money.
Deaths: 1
Severe Beatings: 16
Come on, Street Fighter....let's pick up the deathscore here...you're slacking off!
He returns to street level and looks pensive for a while. Chic Chick and SF take the money back to the guy who gave it to him. Apparently the money was a contract to hire him to kill the leader of the other karate school. Street Fighter refuses because the leader of the other school is the only guy he can trust. Bummer.
Now this "evil" karate school guy is against Street Fighter.
Cut!
Now we're skiing on a snow-covered mountain!
Haha, of course there's going to be a mountaintop rumble! Terry's walking along after getting off a ski lift, and off camera someone swings a bo staff at him. Terry goes, "Aaaah!" and blocks it. Now we're in a fight sequence.
If the camera work had been less jerky, these fight scenes would have been a lot more cinematographically um, good.
By the way, this is the scene that has that big gross payoff that I mentioned at the start of this article.
Street Fighter blocks a couple shots and then rolls down the mountain into a completely different scene. Now he's fighting some guy in blue, with blades! Great editing there.
Supposedly these are the idiots from the "training footage" earlier in the movie, just so we'd recognize the weapons they're using.
Deaths: 2 (finally!)
Severe Beatings: 16
He dispatches the bo-staff guy with the kama sickle guy's kama sickle, then runs away. Hopefully the kama guy is too sleepy to follow him. Then he's fighting "knife on a stick" guy. Oh, nope, there's kama sickle guy. Eventually Street Fighter takes out these two goons. It's pretty boring and
OH...
OH......
OH SWEET CRAP ON A STICK WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS.
In a clear set-up for special effects, Street Fighter gets behind the remaining thug and punches him in the back of the head, literally popping his eyeballs out of his sockets.
Deaths: 4
Severe Beatings: 16
Holy LARGE MARGE scene there, Sonny Chiba, your Street Fighter dude is the freaking BAD-ASSest dude.
Um, they loop the guy's tortured scream a few times, but it's forgivable, only adding to the scene's ludicrously astounding nature.
We are then immediately treated to a bunch of asian men (including Terry) sitting around in a steam room, when one of the men remarks, "That's a pretty good physique! You don't get that sitting around!" and then he launches into a minutes-long rambling diatribe about martial arts and fitness.
Suddenly, as they're both getting massages together, everyone in the freaking spa flips out and starts attacking Terry.
Man ninjas are like the nitro-glycerin of the Asian world.
So we get to watch Sonny Chiba in short shorts beating the stuffing out of random thugs.
Second smallest pair of breasts ever to grace the silver screen. For the first, see my review of "Duel to the Death"
We're treated to a little early wire-fu and a little odd homoeroticism.
Why do they always show pictures of guys reaching for other guys' crotches in the movies I review?
After kicking everyone's butt, Street Fighter pauses to flex and make his weird guttural coffee-percolater breathing sounds. "Eaughhh...Caugh!...Ghohhhh"
The sadistic bastard throws all of the fighters into the steam room, locks the door, and turns the heat up to full. Are you serious? I'm so serious. He goes out of his way to torture these jackals. They writhe in agony, suffering and being literally steamed to death. Good job Street Fighter.
My best count for the number of dudes stuffed into the sauna is 8. I think there might be more, but all I can definitely count is 8.
Deaths: 12
Severe Beatings: 16
A totally random chick gets into an elevator with Terry, and immediately they're naked in bed together. Of course she's an assassin, but come on. That's just obvious. If you didn't notice yet, this entire movie is less about any coherent plot and more about excuses to have Street Fighter get in brawls.
Anyway, Terry's in the process of beating and stabbing the woman when a random guy bursts in, so he has to fight him first.
He really smacks the guy around, and then asks, with the voice-over done by a completely different person, "So the Mafia works through you too, huh?" before skull-cracking him. ONE BEATING, ONE DEATH!
Deaths: 13
Severe Beatings: 17
Okay, so like usual, Street Fighter is being pursued by the random Karate school and the Mafia, and...
OH NOES!
It's the guy from the FIRST Street Fighter! The Prisoner! "That's right, I'm back and not a corpse!" he says. Oh dude! Dude!
Flashback to the first movie!
Prisoner stabs his sister, killing her, but also stabs Street Fighter at the same time! They face off, and Street Fighter rips out his throat! Big chunks of flesh are squirming in his fist! How could Prisoner have possibly survived?!
Street Fighter says, "You're gonna be a corpse again!"
Prisoner talks through a hole in his neck, now, through artificial vocal cords. (does that mean that earlier witness can get his vocal cords rebuilt? huh?)
Prisoner works for the Mafia, and, Street Fighter shoves his chic chick out of the way, following Prisoner in the rain to an arena for final conflict.
This is so random.
Okay, so now Street Fighter and Prisoner are fighting. Pipe versus sais.
Prisoner lands a blow on Street Fighter, slicing his arm a little. Ever the freakshow, SF immediately proceeds to lick his own blood.
Prisoner is so randomly thrown back into the mix that I can't help but believe that people wrote in after seeing the first Street Fighter, upset and disappointed at the death of the tragic character. He really was a kind of intriguing character, but his inclusion in this sequel is quite ludicrous.
Fight continues!
You know, I really must say that I appreciate the fact that Sonny Chiba really looks like he's in a real fight, in these fight scenes. You know it's all scripted and choreographed, but as an actor he takes the time to have his character study his opponents moves, and with small jittery motions take them into account. That's really what makes these so gritty and enjoyable - it's not just hopping around and fluff.
Once again, SF and Prisoner are fighting in the rain.
Street Fighter falls, uh, off a roof or something? DEUS EX MACHINA!
What the heck? That's so anti-climactic. He plummets, supposedly to his death? Prisoner sighs heartily and walks away. He thinks his life, his honor, is avenged.
So. Um, I guess that's the end of the movie.
Syke! Psych! How do you spell that? Whatever. Leave me alone. It's not over yet. Sit back down, mister.
The whole plot of this movie is that the leader of the karate school from the first movie has been a victim of identity theft by some guy who has been extorting money from international philanthropists under the guise of building a new karate school. WHO CARES?!
Can anyone recommend to me any good movies about hippies?
Anyway the big extortionist guy is confronted by the mute hippie from earlier in the movie! Hahahaa now he's wearing a suit and he does the cheesiest reveal ever! YES!
He's apparently a leader/representative from the American Mafia. He throws out a few racial invectives and then randomly shoots the extortionist to death and insults his race a few more times (inefficient slant eye, yellow-skinned dog, etc)
Deaths: 14
Severe Beatings: 17
So...apparently the mafia is running the evil karate school now, and they're out to kill all the heads of the good karate school. Where is Street Fighter? His name's in the name of the movie. Where is he?
Apparently this is what Japanese people think American Mafia members look like. Because a bunch of Easy Rider lookalikes bust into a restaurant and shoot the shit out of the heads of the karate schools.
Deaths: 21
Severe Beatings: 17
(I'm pretty sure it's 3 schoolmasters and four mafia hitmen)
Everyone but the main good-guy leader is killed, and he is spared because, like a good little pudgy ninja he flips out and kills them all.
Cut scene to Chic-Chick's secret home in the sewers. She's busy nursing Street Fighter back to health. Of course he's not dead, just resting ('tis but a flesh wound!).
He has another flashback to when he was a kid and his father was shot for being a spy. This, apparently, is like spinach to Popeye. His dead father speaks to him, saying "BECOME A NUMBER ONE MAN!" Suddenly Terry cues up the background disco music, makes a face like he's dropping a load the size of a hippo, and sits up.
He knows, apparently, that Chic-Chick used to work for the Mafia, but betrayed them to be by Street Fighter's side? What? He determines this by the fact that she "talks jive"...saying, "all that jiving of yours! Nobody can trust a girl who jives like that!"
Haha.
We get to watch him eat a banana for a while.
Then he gets really mad, chugs from a bottle of liquor, spits it all the sai wound in his arm, and then chugs some more. Really. Then he pours the rest of the bottle all over his body. What in the HECK kind of psych-up is that? This isn't Drunken Master you moron. I'm tempted to count that as a severe beating...of his liver! cirrOHsis!
Moving on, he sneaks into some building or other, and shorts out the power after beating some random guy. Then he sneaks around like a good likkle ninja, and finds...random beat up chick! I don't know who it is, but she's in pretty bad shape. Oh, it was the Chic-Chick. She was kidnapped and beaten for betraying the Mafia.
Deaths: 21
Severe Beatings: 19 (one for the chick and one for the guy he beat to cut the power)
Suddenly dozens of guys show up, saying that they kidnapped and beat her so that Street Fighter would show up. Weird thing is, though, he wandered in there on his own. They just beat her up for no particular extra benefit (though they couldn't have known that!)
The Mafia Boss throws out a couple more racial epithets while waving a gun around. "I'm in charge, though, as long as I aim at your head." The guy's name is Don Costello. Yeah, he really looks like mafia.
He takes a step and the shoots Chic-Chick dead.
Deaths: 22
Severe Beatings: 19
He's about to shoot Street Fighter, but Prisoner interrupts and insists he fight with him. Prisoner says "He and I have a date.........(gay)...........with Destiny" Ohhh, destiny, right. Right.
So now they get to fight again, yay. Third time's a charm.
Street Fighter, ever the dirty fighter, takes the time to put down his dead sidekick to hide blades in his fists. Way to fight dirty you scumbag.
Wait. Okay. The blades were not for Prisoner. He whips one into a random thug, and the other into the eye of the Mafia Boss. Then he grabs his gun and starts shooting up the assembled teeming masses.
Once the gun runs out of bullets, he actually stabs a guy with the gun.
Deaths: 22
Severe Beatings: 29 (We'll count this as ten severe beatings)
Everybody was kung-fu fighting....oh wait, I already did that joke. Um, yeah, enter yet another battle where the main character is completely surrounded and yet all the attackers come at him one at a time.
Street Fighter proceeds to kick all their asses using his leather belt as a weapon.
Somehow he gets a katana, and then immediately loses it in the belly of some dude. Wasteful, wasteful, wasteful. Prisoner gets around to showing up, but SF punches him a few times and knocks him over.
Deaths: 27
I'll give him five more deaths
Severe Beatings: 39 and ten more breatings
They reconnect briefly, then SF has to kill a few more dudes. It seems his favorite method of killing people is to stomp on their stomachs and crush their guts. There's some really bad slow motion work, in which a few guys get killed and SF gets stabbed, but just a bit, because he's just getting warmed up.
Prisoner comes back. Hooray. There's still all these random other fighters around, though. Seriously, get out of a brotha's way.
Finally apparently the only dudes left are Mafia, Street Fighter, and Prisoner. They progress into the utility shed or whatever. Apparently Prisoner knows the exact way in which to knock Street Fighter out of comission. I think he learned how to do the "oxygen coma" thing that Street Fighter did on him in the beginning of the first movie.
Street Fighter fights dirty, like spitting blood at him, and stabbing Prisoner in the foot with a drill bit. That's not very sporting. Anyway, he manages to knock Prisoner into a transformer, where the poor guy is electrified and fried to a crisp. Dead. No coming back for SFIII:Electric Prisonee.
Deaths: 28
Severe Beatings: 39
Mafia, who was watching the whole thing, has a big glop of stupid makeup on his supposedly knifed-out eye. Hoorah.
He then runs away.
Now we're at an intersection on a busy street? OKAY! Mafia jumps on the back of a fuel truck and almost escapes, but Street Fighter also jumps on the truck, bent on revenge. Or justice. Or something. So, now they're fighting on a tanker full of gas.
Street Fighter jams his fingers into the guy's face and throws him off the front of the truck, causing the driver to freak out and crash and the truck to explode, right after Street Fighter leaps to safety. POOR TRUCK DRIVER! Too bad!
Deaths: 30
Severe Beatings: 39
Street Fighter's music plays, while the Mobil truck burns. The completely innocent truck driver is totally wasted, but so is Mafia Guy.
And....with everyone possible except Terry (and the one good karate school leader) being dead, the movie ends.
Here's a problem, though. Here they spell the Street Fighter's name as Terry Sugury. But in the first Street Fighter they spell his name Tsurugi. WAY to keep up the continuity there, guys
That, apparently, is the satisfying second movie in the Street Fighter series. Thanks Sonny Chiba. Apparently there's also a movie called "The Streetfighter's Last Revenge" and yet another movie where he plays a bit part, called "Sister Streetfighter" but I haven't been able to find either. Anyone want to hook me up?
Deaths: 30
Severe Beatings: 39
Soundly topping the death toll of the first movie. Good job Street Fighter!
And that's the end of the disc. Two movies, fifty cents each. Brilliantly stupid and brutal. Entertainingly idiotic. Check them out! Also, stop in our forum and say hello. Me ruv you rong time.
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