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TMNTI |
TMNTII |
TMNTIII
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New York City skyline,
helicopter shot,
day |
New York City skyline,
helicopter shot,
night |
Japan
1603,
red dawn,
charging horses.
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One of these things, not like the other.
One of these things just doesn't belong.
(Hint: it's the third movie, and it sucks ass)
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Crime is out of control.
Ninjas hate new yorkers. |
Metropolitan nightlife, lots of people eating PIZZA. Everyone. Everyone is eating pizza. |
Artsy fartsy horse-chase - some stupid soldiers are chasing some loser.
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Foot Ninjas supervise the heirarchy of thugs organizing stolen goods. |
The Kid is delivering pizzas, Good for Him. Sidekicks suck. He's all "i'm karate kid" and investigates a store being burglarized |
Having given up on all pretenses of sensible plot, the Turtles dance around their underground lair to loud music. This montage is ridiculous.
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April o'neill gives an overview of the crime wave |
Karate Kid kicks the asses of the burglars |
The turtles are still dancing around like idiots
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April is about to get attacked |
The turtles leap in to help the kid fight |
The turtles are still dancing around like idiots |
This snapshot in time shows how "gritty" the first movie was
compared to how the series descended into a silly kids show.
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the turtles rescue April under the cover of darkness, and are not seen |
the turtles jump around, but are serious about protecting the kid |
the turtles stand around like idiots, making jokes and slapping each other
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Five minutes in: I close the blinds to cut down on glare.
I have a feeling I will be dizzy after watching this.
I get tortilla chips and salsa.
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Slow reveal of the turtles, darkly lit. Donatello says "bossa nova?" |
Michelangelo knocks out four thugs with a yoyo. Leonardo imitates a punching doll, michelangelo uses pepperoni sticks as nunchuks |
Michelangelo makes retarded sounds, the guys survey the loot that April brings them
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We have had our first battle with Shredder. "Our domain is shadow. You must strike hard and fade away without a trace." |
Turtles stand around and chat with karate kid - |
Back to feudal japan
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Splinter waxes poetic about the finer points of ninjitsu while michelangeo orders a pizza |
April gets on with her life, and the guys trash her apartment. |
Who really cares? Some guy and a bunch of pirates interfere with the feudal warlord
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Okay, the turtles are dancing here too, to tequila, but instead go "nah-nah-nah-nah nah, ninjitsu! |
Pizza Time! |
Yet more boring feudal crap. Have the turtles even shown up yet?
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The turtles moodily contemplate their sentence underground |
Donatello still can't jive with the guys, and is apparently gay. |
Stupid character contemplates his lot.
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Pizza delivery to the sewer? Right. They stiff the delivery guy 3 bucks. Jerks. |
The guys stand around for a while and chat. |
Oh yeah, that mystical lamp thing. That's what this whole pile of time-traveling crap is about.
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There's a poster for the movie Critters on a bus stop. Raphael stops another mugging |
Splinter has a long drawn out speech abou the evils of the city, etc, yes yoda, we get it. |
April has been transported to the past. The feudal guy is now in the turtle lair
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12 minutes in, enter Casey Jones.
Now that guy is bad ass
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CASEY JONES kicks some ass |
Still sitting around and talking |
Michelangelo wears a lamp on his head and interviews the feudal guy.
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Casey Jones: "The class is Pain 101." |
Splinter: "Pizza is okay." |
Michelangelo: "Kappa? Cappuccino? Nah, makes me hyper."
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Casey Jones versus Raphael - what a great scene. they say "damn" |
The junk yard. Movement. The shredder. He lives. |
Idiots
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Long scene about how bad the city is |
Shredder sharpens his hat on a grinding wheel and we begin to get the feeling that the movie is going to be about environmentalism. |
Ninjas flip out and katana the hell out of a walkman. this is stupid.
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The more the movies progress,
the younger and sexier April gets
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Old and punky april |
Pretty and professional april |
Young and spunky april
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Shredder: find her. silence her. |
Scientist (whipping out a tape measure and actually measuring a gigantic flower): i'll go find the professor, we've got to take care of this. now. |
Donatello: the space time continuum will be out of phase within sixty hours! (what? You suck!)
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The foot attacks april and captures her |
Scientists complain about nuclear waste, shredder finds out about nuclear waster |
April's in a cage in japan, good job dummy
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Exploitation of April:
Raphael takes April back to the lair |
Exploitation of April:
The Turtles have trashed April's apartment |
Exploitation of April:
April swings around in a cage
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21:20 Splinter talks about abducting April |
21:32 Splinter talks about the city life |
21:32 Splinter is senile and back in japan a rat runs around
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April freaks out and screams, all the turtles scream too "quite simple miss oneil" |
Splinter reveals the secrets of the ooze 'grave danger" |
Idiot michelangelo is dancing in a skirt "we will not "go with care, my sons, and return with swiftness"
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23 minutes in: Mutagen! The origin of splinter and the turtles, in great oldschool stop-animation |
23 minutes in: Mutagen! it gets stolen! |
23 minutes in: A bunch of idiots show up in "the present" - if four people disappear form the past to switch with four people from the future, doesn't that mean that four people had to be coincidentally holding the sceptre at the exact same time in both time periods? Idiotic.
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Michelangelo does a Rock impression while April shows off her legs |
The turtles think the science lab is a 3D videogame |
unconscious michelangelo gets caught. back in the present, FINALLY there is a shot of the skyline of New York City that they should have opened up the movie with.
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The lair has been attacked and ransacked, and splinter is captured |
The turtles fight dozens of foot soldiers in an extended football scene trying to protect the mutagen - "Ninja Vanish!" |
idiots stand around talking
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April hides the turtles from her boss |
"It's time to find out exactly what this...ooze...will do" |
Turtles chat it up with pirates
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A big deal is made out of punk kids smoking and playing poker, clearly before the PC "everything is happy" crap of the late nineties |
Splinter talks to the karate kid |
The turtles talk to various people, and nothing whatsoever happens. Okay, wait, they FINALLY rescue April
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The Shredder Happy Time Hour
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33 minutes: Shredder shows up to inspire the whole underground kid movement |
32 minutes: Shredder plots to use the mutagen to mess up some animals |
33 minutes: They rescue April, but it ain't no Shredder. |
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Shredder continues to inspire the thugs, april reports on the violence and robbing. "She's a baaaaabe" |
The turtles look for a new home. they find the train station, cool huh? |
Turtles sit around and examine their environment. April rips off her skirt and shows off her pretty legs.
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38 minutes in, michelangeo gets captured too, following an argument |
38 minutes in, the turtles argue with each other for a while |
38 miuntes in, some random stupid extended battle happens
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Foot ninjas stand around looking tough |
Melodramatic reveal of the two crazy mutagen monsters. They call Shredder "momma"...oh comedic relief. "Babies, they're babies! Arrgh!" |
This movie is so useless.
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COMEDIC ELEMENTS
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Michelangelo sneaks up behind Leonardo and clashes symbols, freaking him out |
Between a mutated wolf and a mutated snapping turtle, the monsters sit around and mumble "momma!" |
Michelangelo chases after his attackers saying, "Gimme a kiss!"
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Okay they didn't quite capture Raphael but they beat the crap out of him. Anyway the rest of the turtles get into the fight |
Karate Kid tries to infiltrate the secret gang. Yeah, once again the Shredder is recruiting through the target-market age. Amazing huh? Surprised they didn't do it again for the third movie? NO, because the third movie sucks ass. |
Idiot pirate and comedic fat guy square off in a game of sniper-vs-pirate
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Turtles versus Foot, still. The fighting is creative and energetic. |
Mikey and the Karate Kid immediately blow their cover and kid-fighting ensues. Mikey encounters the Shredder. |
Fighting happens. It's so stupidly overthought and underperformed.
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Shredder abuses splinter |
Shredder has the turtles right where he wants them, but splinter saves them |
Idiots talk
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Splinter, beaten and weak, convinces a kid to chat. |
51:27 Fighting ensues, and shredder calls out the mutants. Shakka? Rezza? |
51:18 - someone drew something that looks nothing like the scepter but suspiciously like a penis
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April waxes poetic about the turtles, whom she loves. |
The turtles fight the monster...come on...the best part of the movies is coming up in a few minutes... |
52:45 - APril has what passes for a shower scene
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Raphael wakes up, finally, while april pines for the enigmatic turtles (which was totally ripped off for the new current awful TMNT cartoon series) |
Turtles escape and show the professor their secret lab |
Turtles sit around
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58:15 - april nipples |
57:22 - the turtles find out they're the result of random nuclear waste |
57:45 - cannons are dangerous
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1:00:35 - Obi-Wan Splinter |
59:20 - the freaks flip out...tokka and razar freak out and start wrecking the city |
59:16 - casey jones has pretty girl hair
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the turtles show casey their lair |
the foot accosts april |
the idiots sit around with their new magical scepter
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1:03:31 - raphael |
1:02:43 - raphael |
1:02:51 - raphael
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1:05:12 - the turtles have a funeral for moldy pizza |
1:04:44 - the scientist holds a bart simpson glass |
who cares?
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April's boss's son returns to the foot place to rescue splinter |
The turtles and the scientist formulate an anti-mutagen in the form of donuts |
Who cares?
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Aww yeah, more origin story. Shredder versus a rat. |
The turtles somehow convince the hideous monsters to eat poisoned donuts and no one considers this suspicious. They break down the wall to a disco Club...you KNOW what THIS MEANS |
Who cares?
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1:10:11 - all other goings-on in the other movies stop to witness. |
1:10:40ish...
NINJA FUCKING RAP.
The ninja rap. It's the ninja rap!
Vanilla Ice and the Ninja rap.
Yes. Yes yes yes.
YO! Itís the green machine
Gonna rock the town without beiní seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down?
Slamminí Jamminí to the new swing sound!! |
1:10:35 - all other goings-on in the other movies stop to witness.
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Casey jones helps the kid |
Long story short, they need to fire-extinguish the monsters in the face to make the antimutagen take effect |
Pirates are angry with ninjas, whatever
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1:12:40 - ninjas rush up and pause before attacking the turtles |
1:12:35 - turtles rush up and pause before attacking the monsters |
1:12:35 - ninjas rush up and pause before attacking the turtles
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1:13:40 GO NINJA, GO NINJA GO |
1:13:40 GO NINJA, GO NINJA GO |
1:13:30 GO NINJA, GO NINJA GO
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1:17:10 - the turtles fight the Foot while discussing their own jokes |
1:17:38 - the turtles discover The Shredder has taken the last vial of ooze and has become "SUPER SHREDDER"...awesomely scary for kids! |
1:17:15 - "oh no, guns!" "there goes the neighborhood" - man this movie sucks..."my God, who's your tailor?" "uh, we're naked!"
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Shredder shows up looking quite intimidating |
Super Shredder waddles around, looking huge |
Shredder doesn't exist here
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Shredder actually has some badass ninja skills here |
Shredder has insane muscles and rage |
Shredder still doesn't exist here
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The Shredder kicks their asses, hardcore. They're almost done for, but Splinter shows up at the last second |
They never actually fight the Super Shredder. He kind of just rages and brings the pier down on himself. "That's the End of the Shredder" |
Stupid. Leonardo relies on comic relief to save the day and the four turtles chase off fifty or so pirates.
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The Shredder versus Splinter. With one move he flips the Shredder over the edge of the building. "Death comes for us all, Uroku-saki, but something much worse comes for you!" |
The turtles return home. Celebrating the death of Shredder. This, the most entertaining and shortest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies, is over. Cowabunga! Ninja Rap is born! |
Whatever. Ugh.
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The Shredder falls into the garbage truck that Casey Jones planted previously. Casey proceeds to run the trash compactor, theoretically crushing The Splinter to death, until the second movie revives him like a zombie from the grave. |
"I made another funny! Hahahahhaha!" Splinter |
The evil pirate tries to escape by throwing the scepter into the crowd...and of course the turtles catch it. Some random guy knocks the villain to his death in the ocean - "Bunjee jumping without a bunjee - that could be dangerous" says Donatello. Stupid.
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The cops show up in force and round up the thug kids to rehabilitate them. April uses her opportunity to negotiate the position as the highest paying news reporter in New York City. Casey Jones kisses April. Aww. The turtles watch the scene from the rooftop. Splinter says Cowabunga! - "I Made a Funny!" |
April O'Neil - Paige Turco. Kevin Clash played Splinter. Kevin Nash played Super Shredder. Vanilla Ice played himself. Hahaha. |
How can the worst TMNT movie be the longest?
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April O'Neil - Judith Hoag and...did you know this? (1:28:44) COREY FELDMAN as Donatello. T-U-R-T-L-E Power. Great rap song performed by Partners in Kryme, written by James P. Alpern and Richard A. Usher, Jr. |
Corey Feldmen did not voice Donatello in this movie. Weird. It was Adam Carl. |
Idiot guys are dancing to Baltimora's Tarzan Boy. The transplanted Japanese guys don't want to go back. Half of the Turtles don't want to go back.
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the end |
the end |
Michelangelo and Raphael have befriended a kid whose name is Yoshi. Yoshi was Splinter's tutor. But the time frames don't match up, so it's a different Yoshi, and therefore totally useless.
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The resolution of the movie is the drama about getting back to the current time period, not defeating some major bewilderingly powerful enemy. That's just stupid. Maybe that's why this movie sucked so incredibly bad...no real villains of note.
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Ugh, is TMNTIII still going on? |
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The end is, splinter, "making a funny" but it's stupid. And he doesn't say the catch phrase. Basically everything that could have been done to screw up this movie was done. Good job, guys.
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April O'Neil - Paige Turco reprises her role here. Good for her, but she's got the cute-spunky hair thing going on in this one, which makes her look much younger than in the previous movie.
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Finally. |
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COREY FELDMAN once again plays the voice of Donatello.
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