August 14th, 2006
|Boa vs Python|
It should be immediately noted that Boa vs Python features neither helicopters, missiles, nor cities. It's probably the most misleading DVD cover ever produced.
The second immediate point to note is that both Angel Boris and Jaime Bergman - the two female leads in the film - are both Playboy models.
Boa vs Python is the significantly higher budget version of Komodo vs Cobra.
The initial montage pairs the bazillionaire playboy Broddick watching pro wrestlers (aptly named Python and Boa) against a group of idiot redshirts losing control of one of the titular gigantic snakes from "Southeast Asia."
It's not remotely important, but let's give them some credit:
Deaths: 5 (A reporter later says five, although there are six bodies shown)
The next morning, on Broddick's personal jet liner, Broddick and his hottie Eve (Angel Boris) relax and make plans. Which means this:
A snake sneaks up on Eve in the bath, pissing her off, which prompts the line, "You SHIT, you know I hate snakes." - which makes me wonder why she has a giant cobra tattooed on her back, or why she's going along with Broddick's maniacal plan to charge rich hunters millions to stalk the giant snake.
By the way, it's really cool that Broddick's plane can manage to fly, considering it's decked out with full marble tubs, marble columns, Eve's boobs, marble ceilings, etc...
The television sound turns on, conveniently, letting Broddick know about the snake getting away. So the hunt is simply rescheduled.
There are a couple unfortunate subplots:
1) Annoying "insipid cocksure twat" reporter trying to break a story
2) Annoying "love to hate him" government man
Down in a water treatment plant, the snake claims another two victims:
Enter Monica Bonds (Jaime Bergman). Random insanely hot chick messing around with guys at a pool. Turns out she's a super scientist who specializes in giant monster snakes. Well, more or less.
Prompting this disgusting display of man:
I'm tempted to add a death here for the male gender.
Anyway, Monica (the equivalent of Komodo vs Cobra's Doctor Tits) teams up with some other mad scientist who breeded [Editor's Note: "breeded" isn't a word. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, probably, "Mmmm whisky"] WHO BRED a - wait for it - insanely gigantic monster boa constrictor!
GOOD GUY PLOT: The government plans on using Boa to combat Python.
BAD GUY PLOT: Have rich hunters track the Python for money.
Doctor Tits utters the great line, "So, using my implants, we can track the Boa..."
Up next is the great and ludicrous scene as follows. Guy and girl making out in car. Python eats guy. Python goes down on girl who can't tell the difference between the dude and a 90-foot python. Finally the snake eats her too.
Finally, the giant snake eats the reporter guy.
Finally, again, they release the Boa to find the wild-snake. So a group of redshirt soldiers wander into the water treatment tunnels underneath the countryside.
The rich-but-stupid hunters dissolve into madness in the forest, one by one succumbing to the snake.
The soldiers (who ran in with Government Man, Mad Scientist, and Doctor Tits) rush into some random room and get more or less eaten. By their own snake.
Two guys bite it:
And yet, they haven't even found the Python yet.
Back in the forest, everyone runs around like idiots. But sometimes that's okay:
Broddick also uses a flamethrower to light his cigar. Now that's classy.
Now for yet more comic relief. The snakes hump. Yeah. Interspecies snake sex. Fantastic.
Sniper guy from the rich hunting team shoots the government agent several times, after saying "one shot, one kill."
Sniper then gets eaten by the Python.
The father and son team bite it pretty quickly too.
Also the snakes have already laid a bunch of eggs. Hahaha, immediately after humping.
After Eve smashes one of the eggs, the Boa crushes her to death. Bummer. Then it eats another hunter.
Broddick manages to chase it away via flamethrowers and shotguns....he's the only one left of the evil team. Bummer for them! Also the only good guys left are Mad Scientist and Doctor Tits.
Anticlimactially, a bunch of totally random soldiers and government agents show up and arrest Broddick.
The Boa and Python reconvene to hang out around their eggs, and the Python starts eating them. Lame! But really, don't worry, because where most movies would have had some random gigantic explosion here that kills both snakes and ends the movie, Boa vs Python moves on to yet more scenarios.
Also, they don't bother handcuffing or securing Broddick, so he just steals a military transport and a flame thrower and escapes....niiiiiiiiiiiiice.
In one of the worst cop-outs ever, it turns out that the Boa was already pregnant, by - get this: "by a combination of the food snakes and the growth hormones".....yeah.
Anyway, one of the snakes gets into a nightclub, still operating inside the "secure" five mile perimeter set up by the government.
The snake eats a cage dancer.
Then it writhes around on the dance floor.
Oh snap. It eats the DJ!
Everyone runs away, Broddick and Doctor Tits show up to attack it. Broddick goes out of his way to set several soldiers on fire, but I'll only give him two deaths because it's so stupidly random.
Finally the science-snake busts in and attacks the wild snake. Yay. The scientist tranquilizes Broddick, who consequently gets majorly eaten. Half by each snake. Woo!
So the poorly-lit, crappily CGId snakes writhe around fighting and fall into a subway tunnel.
Mad Scientist activates an electro-shock, blasting the Boa out of the tunnel just before the Python gets torn to pieces by a subway train. Like, the giant head flies up and rolls around the station platform.
The boa escapes the tunnel, and Doctor Tits and Mad Scientist go off after her. The end.
Yeah, really. It just ends. Right there.
And that, my friends, is Boa vs. Python.
Better than Komodo vs Cobra:
- better computer graphics monsters (still cheesy though)
- more and larger explosions
- much cooler actors
- no weepy "man shouldn't mess with nature" lesson
Worse than Komodo vs Cobra:
- extended scenes of lame sciency montages
- takes itself just a little too seriously
- comic relief is rather forced and lame
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