August 14th, 2006 |
| Komodo vs Cobra | ||||||||||||||||||
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Open the movie with a trio running from a ludicrously gigantic komodo dragon. One of them's a redshirt, though, and he does the typical scream before being eaten. Well alright, it lets the other two escape.
Deaths: 1
The chick is henceforth know as "Doctor Tits."
Okay. Wait.
Suddenly a giant cobra comes up out of the water and eats the dude? Well, okay then! This movie is starting to get better!
Deaths: 2
Cue the title!
We have a disconnected introduction to a couple characters. Some army guy. A couple of adventure seekers. Grizzled boat captain. Now a group of supposed eco-freaks who just scream "red shirt" in the incredibly tight well endowed way.
No worries; we're not watching this for its intellectual weight.
They finally get to the island and watch some military helicopters heading into the island first.
The army boys wander around the island at night, sure to become Komodo food.
In regards to the giant komodo dragon, we're treated to such dialogue wonders as the following:
"What the hell is that?"
"Something I want dead!"
The army guys manage to blow up the komodo (via means of throwing unfused C4 at it) after it takes out a few soldiers, but then "mom" stomps in and eats them. So...uh, maybe they're all gone.
Deaths: 8 (six soldiers wasted by various monsters)
Back to the reporters, hippies, and grizzled old captain!
As with most movie reviews here at theWAREHOUSE, you and I both know the names of the characters don't matter. I might as well start calling the main girl "Tits" and the grizzled old captain "Skipper"....actually, I think I will.
Here's the cast of the movie:
Rock Strongo
Tits
Doctor Tits
Hippie
Hippie's Sister
Skipper
April O'Niel
Cameraguy
Tits, who has the voice of a 10 year old on helium, expresses a little nervousness about their adventure, but Buff McStrongarm reassures her. They're there to blow the cover on a sinister military experiment.
Enter some "wow" shots of "two story tall" corn stalks. Gee, if I didn't know better, I'd say the government has been genetically engineering gigantic evil stuff...whoops.
They find a big secret house and sneak inside... It's kind of weird.
Whoah, okay. Doctor Tits from the beginning jumps in and holds a gun to the group. She convinces them to head back to the boat. Meanwhile, the camera man wanders away from the group, and predicably falls prey to EVIL DEATH!
Okay. Let me count the number of times SKIPPER shoots the cobra. With one clip in his pistol.
Okay.
Seriously.
He shoots more than FIFTY TIMES.
I'm not even kidding. I had to back the scene up five times to count it. Easily more than fifty times.
Deaths: 9
And then the cobra eats the camera man and slides out into the distance. Aww. Everyone's moderately upset but, you know, onward and upward!
So they run off into the woods of the lush tropical island, while being chased by a giant Komodo dragon. The graphics are crappy, but they're not awful. So there.
Anyway, hippie dude's sister gets stepped on by the big lizard, so she's out of the picture!
Deaths: 10
Skipper takes a moment to shoot at the thing, again shooting well over FIFTY TIMES with one clip, having shown no signs of reloading the gun from before.
The dwindling group takes refuge in an underground BUNKER OF SCIENCE.
Long story short, Doctor Tits and April O'Neil stand around discussing the history of the experiment: to mix animal and plant DNA to create quick growing gigantic crops to feed the world. But for no good reason the military wants them to try to make a giant komodo dragon.
Finally they get moving, heading back through the forest. In a surprisingly non giant-monster surprise, some bloody dying grey-faced dude falls out of the forest onto Doctor Tits.
Blah blah, messing with nature is too dangerous. He dies.
Deaths: 11
Yeah we get it. Everybody dance!
They get back to the landing craft but there's way too much time left in the movie for it to be over here. While they admire Skipper's yacht, the military bombs the crap out of it. Uh, also, a giant cobra comes out of the ocean. The guys shoot it dozens upon dozens of times. Hundreds of times.
Despite their best efforts, Hippie bites it. Or, gets bitten. Either way, he's toast.
Deaths: 12
So now they're stuck on the island. Yay!
The Plan: hike to an old helicopter in the middle of the island. Yay.
Overnight, Skipper flirts with Doctor Tits. Rock Strongo and Junior Tits argue and find common ground. Yay.
Okay here's what you were waiting for. You knew there was going to be a wet tshirt segment.
Ah hahaha Rock Strongo gets some giant leeches stuck neatly to his back. Kinda kills any appeal of the incredibly weak wet tshirt segment.
Okay. Here's my thought process. Doctor Tits is going on about how viral this giganto-matrix is so contagious...I really hope Beefcake there turn gigantic. That would be fantastic.
It's just about time for all hell to break loose. We need some hot Komodo on Cobra action. You know, the title is KOMODO VS. COBRA. Where's the vs. part?
There we go.
A giant komodo dragon wanders around the helicopter...the only way off the island. AND the military is on its way to come firebomb the entire island off the map.
Okay, here's what needs to happen. Sicky Rock Strongo runs off to distract the Komodo, giving everyone else a chance to get to the helicopter.
Ahhh all hell breaks loose. Haha, Strongo gets swallowed whole by a totally random Cobra. BYE dude!
Deaths: 13
The cobra bites the komodo on the tail, so now it's ON. Enter hissing vs roaring. The monsters are going at it pretty well. It's rather cool for such silly effects. The cobra's really biting the crap out of that komodo...it's gotta be done for.
The military starts dropping bombs, the forest exploding in flames.
Deaths: 15
Finally the chopper lifts off, leaving the two giants of misguided nature to be blown into smithereens.
Uh oh! The good guys make it off the island safely, and the story breaks to the whole world! The military's in trouble now!
And, at the very end, for no damn good reason at all, the random guy who died earlier as a result of komodo poisoning wakes up and has turned all reptilian. Uh. Yeah, guys, whatever!
Anyway if you wanted to know, Doctor Tits was played by Michelle Borth, and Tits Junior was played by Renee Talbert. Other folks included Jerri Manthey and Glori-Anne Gilbert. And then some dudes, but who really cares about them? No one, that's who! So go read about BOA vs PYTHON now!
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