September 18th, 2006

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Mister Vampire! It will drive you crazy! With awesomeness!

 

 

I have wanted to review this movie for a long time.

Mister Vampire (Mr. Vampire) is one of the seminal classics of Asian "horror" film culture. Its cult status is as legendary as something that's really legendary. Just read:

The movie starts in China, with a dozen figures standing stark still with script written on pieces of paper hanging in front of their faces.

 

 

These are Chinese undead - the paper, and a mystical flame, keep them under control.

But one of the corpses in a nearby coffin escapes. Here are some interesting fact about Chinese vampires:

Terrified of their own reflection (possibly because Chinese undead wouldn't fear "the Cross"?)

They hop.

Tapping a red dot on their forehead freezes them stiff.

They see by breath. If you hold your breath, they can't see you.

 

 

Mr. Vampire is a wonderful mix of comedy, action, and horror, all mixed up in the rich Asian folklore.

Mr Yam, or "the man with one giant eyebrow" oversees one of his servants. The two nervously attend an English tea ceremony with a man who wants to rebury his father. The guy's daughter is making quite an impression.

The screen capture program I'm using with this movie doesn't include the subtitles in its capture, which is odd and unfortunate. Because I'd love to show you a screencap of the phrase "Drink it while it is not!" (instead of hot). There are lots of small mistranslations in the movie, but it's not bad.

They drink coffee, unsure of what to do with the cream...so they drink that too, separately. Hhmm, I have the feeling hey're mocking Westerners who don't understand Asian cuisine.

Onward, at the ceremony, prayers are offered with sincerity and then some assistants start tearing up the grave and pulling out the coffin.

 

 

They'll find a burial plot tomorrow.

 

 

The two apprentices to the master are instructed to lay out lotuses and incense on the surrounding graves.

The corpse they unearth after twenty years is thin but still fresh. As they bring it back to their temple workshop they realize it's "fattening up." - apparently corpses become Walking Corpses for want of a breath of fresh air.

One of the assistants lives in the temple with the master. The other lives elsewhere.

As the other one pedals home, he unknowingly crosses paths with a beautiful young ghost who flies out and tries to catch a ride on his bicycle. This is the girl who spoke to him earlier but...haha, the ghost hits her head on a branch and falls off his bike.

That night, despite the master's best efforts, (plus one chicken with its throat slit!) the corpse nearly breaks the seal on his coffin.

There's some un-needed comic relief in the form of the two apprentices trying to get in the good with the old dead guy's granddaughter.

 

 

Meanwhile the VAMPIRE ZOMVIE EVIL UNDEAD DUDE becomes slightly more alive and busts out of his coffin, despite all the wards and protection on it. Clearly, he is powerful!

 

 

Deaths: 0 (+1 chicken) (+2 goats!)

The undead then bursts into a room and kills the man who hired the Master to rebury the zombie vampire. Snap. That guy was the zombie vampire's son! He just killed his own son? Bummer.

Deaths: 1 (+1 chicken) (+2 goats)

The next day, the corpse is found. Mr Yam, the master, is framed (by virtue of having long fingernails. Really) and the apprentices are left to their own idiotic devices.

Back in the police compound, apparently, Mr Yam faces an inquiry by the hot girl's cousin.

In the same institution, the corpse of the father wakes up!

One of the assistants comes to rescue Mr Yan. The corpse starts moving around and the assistant must place one of the written scripts on his face.

Which he does.

The cop nephew and one of the assistants have a great slapstick martial arts scene here, trying to avoid the attacks of "teh zombie."

 

 

The assistant repeatedly but inadvertently beats the crap out of the cop.

The trio tries to hold their breath to avoid attack, almost successfully.

They finally manage to trip him with mystical chicken-blood-and-ink-soaked string, stab him with a magical wooden sword, and set fire to him with an incantation.

Really.

Near dawn, the Master Old Vampire attacks the family's house.

 

 

The vampire hopping in slow motion is definitely freaky, but the fact that they have to hold their breath is pretty silly.

They literally manage to stop up the master vampire's nostrils with q-tips. For a minute.

 

 

This vampire is tough!

While his assistants distract the Vampire, the Master weaves a net out of the magical thread. It pisses off the vampire, but doesn't kill him.

 

 

It hops away into the night.

In the attack, Man the assistant was hurt - he'll become a vampire without treatment!

Specifically he needs sticky rice and some poultice that features some part of a snake which is probably dead when they cut it open on screen, but definitely real. I think.

Deaths: 1 (+1 snake) (+1 chicken) (+2 goats)

Man has two days to "not die." If he stops moving then his blood will harden and he'll die. So the idiot runs around dancing like...an idiot.

Meanwhile, the other assistant goes off to buy sticky rice, but an unscrupulous money grubbing rice vendor sells him regular rice!

On his way back, the assistant again inadvertently encounters the ghost.

She tries to seduce him, and succeeds. Snap, horny little Chinese boys!

I'm pretty sure banging a vampire ghost is not going to be good for him. He eventually gets home but with some mysterious giant bite marks on his neck.

The Head Evil Vampire waits in a wet cave, pining for nightfall.

So now both of the assistants are becoming undead and the Master must tend to them.

The assistant goes off to see the vampire ghost again, and thanks to some awesomely bad special effects, we get to see her as a corpse, and we get to see the Master create a blade from moonlight.

 

 

This is awesome CRAZY ASIAN MOMENT!

 

 

Master and Ghost are battling. At first she uses her hair for a whip.

Until Master cuts it off!

 

 

So Ghost gets all "freaky hair" and SHOOTS HER HEAD OFF AT HIM!

He nearly blows up her head,

And then he nearly captures and destroys her,

But the Assistant (blinded by her magic) tries to stop him!

They fight for a while, but the ghost vampire ultimately escapes.

The next night, loverboy is tied up to a chair to stop him from attacking the Master. The first assistant, Man, is still turning into a Walking Corpse. Bummer.

 

 

Master, on the other hand, is outside trying to battle the vampire ghost.

Another thing, Vampire Ghosts can sometimes turn invisible.

There's some great almost fight scenes as Chou, tied to a chair, tries to avoid the attacks of Man, now turned evil!

MAJOR wackiness ensues as Master tries to:
1) Stop Man from killing Chou
2) Stop Chou from helping Vampire Ghost Chick
3) Stop Vampire Ghost Chick
4) Stop Man

Apparently covering a vampire with a yin-yang cloth will do her great damage.

In the end, Vampire Chick flees, saddened at her defeat.

Man is finally responding to the treatment.

Back in the cave, MASTER VAMPIRE eats a rat and goes out on the town! As soon as he hits town, he kills a random villager.

Deaths: 2 (+1 rat) (+1 snake) (+1 chicken) (+2 goats)

Man this is getting to be the barnyard slaughterhouse.

 

 

The Vampire Master comes in to attack the household (which is a mortuary and temple, too)! He's pretty badass, with black skin, horns, big teeth, and all sorts of messe dup mojo rage.

Master wields his peach-wood sword, but the Vampire Master sneaks past him on the roof.

 

 

For it's time (early nineties) there is some pretty impressive wire-fu going on. Lots of genuine hard-core effects too.

They attack and counterattack the Master Vampire with some really great martial arts and some sweet choreography.

 

 

This vampire is so powerful that he can see (doesn't rely on smell of breath), he can walk (doesn't have to hop) and in general he's nearly invincible. A full blow to the head from a staff-sword only bounces off.

They try to stab out his eyes but can't manage to get to them - he's got great kung-fu!

The guy from the beginning who "owned" all the regular hopping corpses shows up randomly and starts to battle them against the Master Vampire! He's almost overcome but then knocks them all over.

 

 

Between the two masters and the assistant, they finally manage to capture the vampire and set him on all sorts of fire!

 

 

Finally....it is over.

 

 

Literally. The movie just ends.

Except for the surpisingly sudden end, with no resolution whatsoever, this movie is totally great. A MUST SEE for any kung-fu-comedy-horror enthusiast.

Deaths: 3 (+1 rat) (+1 snake) (+1 chicken) (+2 goats)

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

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©2005 Carl Huber and any guest authors. May not be reprinted elsewhere without permission.