September 22nd, 2006 |
"I live in a van...down by the river!"
- Motivational Speaker Matt Foley
It occurred to me one sunny afternoon during my hour in the exercise yard at the Folsom Penitentiary that the word "VAN" is a fantastic word indeed and deserving of some praise. Not only can it refer to a certain type of vehicle, but it's also Dutch for "of" and "from" and is a common part of many Dutch surnames. These are just a few of the thoughts that went through my head.
After shivving a guard for interrupting my train of thought, I had plenty of time in Solitary Confinement, or "the hole" as it's often called. I managed to scratch out the following comparisons on my skin with the tiny broken tine of a plastic spork they had given me to eat my meals.
And so here is the list, comparing various categories with several criteria.
The winner for each is denoted with a ⊗ mark. Enjoy!
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| Main Actor | Wolverine ⊗ | Ryan Reynolds | Hot Chick | Kate Beckinsale ⊗ | Tara Reid | Plot | Vampires vs. Werewolves vs. Christians vs. English Speaking Eastern Europeans with lots of genetic splicing for no damn good reason. | Slacking, Drinking, Scoring ⊗ | Comedic Moments | Bumbling servant in the role of Q from the James Bond movies. ⊗ | Making frat boys eat dog-semen filled pastries. Really. |
Special Effects | Babes turning into vampires and consequently exploding. ⊗ | Dog semen | Win? | Barely. Van Helsing is really stupid. But Van Wilder is really really stupid. |
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| Claim to Fame | one of history's greatest composers. ⊗ | impactful rock band | Drama | deafness, lead-poisoning digestive problems | alcoholism, mouth cancer, alcoholism wild parties, sex, alcoholism, sex⊗ |
Girls | Pined for unattainable love, often scorned, never scored | Slacking, Drinking, Scoring ⊗ | Triumph | the Ninth Symphony | Jump, Everybody Wants Some, Hot for Teacher, etc... ⊗ |
Hair | Long and unkempt | Long and unkempt | Win? | While Beethoven may have more impact on society and your brain, which one would you rather listen to on a Friday night? |
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| Claim to Fame | Delicious Fish Sticks. ⊗ | Anal Retentive Psycho Bitch. | Fat | Mmmm fat. ⊗ | Zero Percent Body Fat | Job | Being Delicious⊗ | Being a Controlling Bitch | History | Always Fish Sticks | Used to be on Melrose Place, Seinfeld, Ally McBeal, CSI, etc ⊗ |
Win? | I've only seen the damn show twice but she could walk around naked all the time for all I'd care. FISH STICKS 4 LYFE! |
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| Most Famous Work | The Starry Night ⊗ | The Arnolfini Portrait | Why it Rocks | Astoundingly heartfelt and powerful, painted while in a mental asylum ⊗ | Lots of symbolism, a (surprisingly not pregnant) chick and a fancy convex mirror |
Downfall | Insanity, depression, absinthe, drug use ⊗ | None. Le sigh. Popular, died, buried. | Shocking Moments | Cut off the tip of his ear due to madness or love ⊗ | Signing his paintings | Tributes | Don McLean's Starry Starry Night, Akira Kurosawa's Yume (Dreams) ⊗ | hmm...the guy in the portait kind of looks like Vladimir Putin |
Win? | Hands down this crazy mofo takes the art world by storm |
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| Comfort? | Women's shoes are suppoesd to hurt. | They look like hippie couches ⊗ | Who loves you, baby? | Women | Skateboarders ⊗ | Sponsors | Does not sponsor a music tour. | Sponsors the Vans Warped Tour, a music and extreme sports festival ⊗ |
Costs | High Fashion: Ka-Ching | Affordable! ⊗ | Win? |
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| Born in | Belgium. | Mexico. ⊗ | Movies of Fame | Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, Street Fighter | Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (as a child, named "Sweet Sweetback" for his gigantic penis.), Highlander III ⊗ |
Nickname | "The Muscles from Brussels" | "Baadasssss" ⊗ | Best Kill | Slow motion screaming kicks in every one of his movies ⊗ | Two German Shepherds | Can do Splits | Hard to find him not doing splits ⊗ | Does not do splits | Best Quote if he was a girl | "If you have a decent body why not show it? I'm very proud of my butt." ⊗ | Ugh, you just can't top that. Too bad he's not a girl. |
Philosophy | Peace and balance through focus and meditation ⊗ | I'm black and proud | Win? | Van Damme's movies are much more entertaining to watch, but you'll feel at least a little homosexual. |
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| Color Scheme | Black and Red. ⊗ | Aqua, Green, Orange. | Fuel | JUSTICE ⊗ | Pot | Crew | Old Mercenaries | A Spunky Gang of Crime Solving Teens ⊗ | Coolest Occupant | B.A. Baracus ⊗ | Velma? | Vehicle of choice for | Bitter middle-aged escapist men | Horny potheads ⊗ | Pirate Ghosts? | I don't think so, but there was that one episode with the siren-ghost that turned out to be a tape recorder and hologram | Almost exclusively! ⊗ | Win? | It's a tie! The A-Team van wins because... it holds the A-Team. | The Mystery Machine wins on basis of general, joyful groovy love |
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| Claim to Fame | Laziest Man Ever. ⊗ | Diagnosis, Murder. | Dirty Name? | Funny-cool | Pervy-funny ⊗ | Job | Sleeping ⊗ (and avoiding his nagging wife) | Acting | Can Hide Food | At least a few apples ⊗ | Only cookie crumbs | Win? | Rip Van Winkle slept for 40 years and grew the only facial hair that could rival that of Chuck Norris |
Well I think that's about it. Warden says I'm free to go.
Watch out for that van, down by the river.
Many thanks to the folks in theFORUM for helping with suggestions!
Check out the rest of the site (over 100 more articles!) and visit the FORUM.
I look forward to your suggestions, contributions and feedback!
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