October 13th, 2006 |
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The pervasive focus so far is that television is a positively ingrained part of the American suburban experience. When asked about the voices she heard, the girl says, "the TV people!"
Then the boy's milk glass shatters, bukkake-ing the sister. Heh. Oh also his spoon and fork are all twisted up. Duh-duh DUHHHH.
A bunch of workers are digging a pool for the family.
The mom sets the table's chairs back.
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And the "TV PEOPLE" stack the chairs on the table when her back is turned. OMFG skeery.
Also, thanks Family Guy, for ruining every damn surprise in this movie for me.
The mother does not seem perfectly terrified of this strange phenomenon.
Check this out.
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Heh.
Their reaction to this obvious strangeness of the nature of existence is to say, "No one's going in the kitchen until I understand what's happening"
During the storm that night, the tree which has terrified the young boy finally bursts into the room and pulls him out through the window!!
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The closet swings open and starts sucking everything into it!
The tree slowly eats the boy!
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Carol Anne falls into the closet! (where you can clearly see a spotlight)
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The boy falls out of the tree, and the dad manages to grab him. He's safe. For now.
But the girl, Carol Anne....where did she go? She's gone.
She's gone.
Gone into the Television.
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Their first reaction is to contact a paranormal investigator.
Good call.
Anyway everyone seems to take the disappearance of the daughter prefectly in stride, and the poltergeist experts hang out for the night. Everyone's pretty calm.
A bunch of bizarre stuff going on, but nothing particularly terrifying. Huh. Honestly I thought they'd be killing people left and right but I guess being a Stephen Spielberg flick he's a little more PG-13 than that.
The spectres take a bite out of one of the invesigators. Jewelry falls from the ceiling. It's weird, but not especially creepy. It's a little too ET.
The investigators reason that if the ceiling is "the way out" that the closet is the "way in"
They sit around whispering for a while. Again, just like the Family Guy episode that totally ruined this movie for me. Hopefully, now I can ruin this movie for you.
The focus of this movie is to say that accepting death is good but fighting for life is bad. Unfortunately Carol Anne just "got lost on the way" to the light, so they get mad. These dead spirits are angry.
So angry that they'll make a guy freak out and do the movie's signature scene:
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OH SNAP OH SNAP OH SNAP.
There are a couple scenes of special effects for the sake of special effects. They're prett dramatic and neat but...not remotely frightening!
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The family goes on living its best, trying to desperately absolutely ignore the fact that they're H-A-U-N-T-E-D.
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The father's boss tells an interesting tale, because the father's missed a lot of work. It seems that they built the whole building development on an old burial ground. An old cemetary. Nobody's complained until now.
The paranormal investigators bring in a "psychic" in the form of a slightly little person clairvoyant who speaks like the rich bitch from Will & Grace (don't pretend you never watched it). She's actually got a couple great lines:
"Y'all mind hanging back? You're jamming my frequencies."
"This house has many hearts"
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"There is no death. It is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness. Carol Anne is not like those she's with. She is a living presence in their spiritual earthbound plane. They're attracted to the one thing about her that is different than themselves. Her life force. It is very strong. It gives off its own illumination. It is a light that implies life and memories of love and home and earthly pleasure. Something they desperately desire but can't have any more. Right now she's the closest thing to that, and that is a terrible distraction from the real light that has finally come for them. Do you understand me?" (little dwarf voice, remember)
Whoops.
The cute little cherub kid must guide all these angry poltergeists to the TRUE light.
But, uh-oh, there's also a super evil presence in there that is strong enough to punch a hole into this world and capture the girl.
"To her, it is simply another child. To us...it is the BEAST"
OH NOES.
They ready some supplies and the mother calls to the little girl.
The psychic tells the parents to trick the girl to go into the light because otherwise she'll be lost forever. Mom sobs "I hate you for this"
Finally a door opens into the next world, the waiting world, the in between world.
In the midst of a wave of ectoplasm and light, the group throws a couple tennis balls through the light in the girl's closet and they both come out through the ceiling in the living room. SPOOKY! AAGH!
They throw a light through the closet into the living room.
THe mother ties the rope around herself...and goes into the light.
I'm glad I don't have epilepsy.
ZOMG Steven (the dad) freaks out and pulls on the rope and pulls THE DEVIL ITSELF OUT FROM HIS CLOSET
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AAGH!
AGHGUHGHUUGHUGHH!!!
AUGHUGHGUHGUMOTHERFUCKERS!
The guy in the living room pulls the wife and little girl out of the ceiling! They're covered in grape jelly, I think.
ZOMG THEY'RE BACK.
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Immediately the family is going to the new house promised to them. It's been several weeks.
Everything seems better.
Everything seems okay.
Mom takes a nice relaxing bath in the last night in the home.
DAMN that freaky clown!
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It jumps up from its place on the chair and strangles the boy, dragging him under the bed!
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The mom is shoved up along the wall and across the ceiling. The boy reclaims power over the toy but the closet lights up again. Oh Noes!
Mom freaks out and runs outside. Coffins and dead people rise out of the ground and fall on her. Oh noes, noes noes!
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The great thing about this movie is that you can basically picture the writers going "okay what's really gonna freak out the audience here?"
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Mom gets back into the hallway but it receeds from her in everyone's nightmare vision
Finally reaching the door, she opens it to see the closet breaching into the nightmare gateway to hell.
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Tendrils of pure evil sweep out into the room but the mother manages to pull them back into sanity (almost).
"YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!" the dad yells to his boss as he returns to the strobe-light glowing house. There we go!
The family drives away as fast as they can. The whole town is turning out to see because the evil is spilling out into the street now. Fireballs erupt and blue light crashes across the street.
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The house, literally sucking itself into the void, implodes upon itself.
The family, silent and scared, checks into a motel.
Craig T Nelson pushes the room's television out onto the balcony and shuts the door.
The end.
All in all Poltergeist really was pretty entertaining but it wasn't remotely scary. It would be a good movie to watch, say, with a freshman on the first Halloween of college. Something like that. Scary-light. Neat story but not terrifying.
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