October 15th, 2006 |
I love dollar stores. They're just like garage sales except without the creepy old ladies staring at you. Well, okay, they're still there but you can duck behind the display of religious candles and hide until they go away.
They've got the greatest stuff. It's like the pared down essence of cheap crap and yet sometimes they really have some great stuff. The old Street Fighter movies came from a dollar store. Love it!
So anyway Halloween is rearing its badass head and my first and only instinct was to hit the Dollar Stores in the area. Unfortunately only a couple of them are stocking Halloween items. What the hell? You'd think they'd all be jammed up with that stuff.
So let's check out what they've got at the Dollar Stores!
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WHOAH, it's a Frankenstein's Monster bust with...um...what I assume is a giant double-ended dildo. Definitely Frankenstein's Monster with a dildo. Also for no good reason all of the Frankenstien packaging says "Bride of Frankenstein."
I'm guessing these were not really licensed but just used in a general free capacity, or licensed but done by a really lazy company... so some sacrifices had to be made. Like, say, calling Frankenstein's Monster the Bride of Frankenstein. It made the poor monster so insecure that he has to carry around extra penises.
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Next up is Godzilla. Sort of. Does this really fool anyone? It's just a two-inch greenish dinosaur thing. I love how crappy it is.
It doesn't even have any texture; scales, etc. It's totally lacking the back plates where Godzilla charges up his nuclear breath attack. It's awesomely cheap and crappy!
I wish there was more to say about this but it's really just an awful ripoff product to shut up whiny kids. I think the face actually looks more like Gamera than GOJIRRA.
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Next up is a neat toy. It's a skull. Oh hey that's neat. But wait, there's MORE.
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AHAHHHH HAHAHhahahahaha...A great big squishy skull! Custom made for boys to run up to girls on the playground and squeeze in their faces, making them scream and go "ew gross!" and then the boy, who really liked the girl, wonders why the girl ran away. Love is tough.
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This awesome squishy head is like a cross between the madballs toys of the 80s and the stress dolls of the early 90s. Sweet! It's got a rad Halloween bonus. The eyes are totally filled with blood, bugs, and rats!
It is really, really tempting to take an x-acto blade to that bulging eye and extract all the little buggies and rats.
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The squishy skull is completely worth the $1 price tag.
It's got a ton of great gross stuff in those eyeballs.
The only downside is that it really smells...not like gasoline or permanent markers, but like oily rubber.
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Chattering light up skull keychain thing monster-tron 2000 bot! This thing sucks! Seriously! It sucks so hard. The eyes don't even light up. I'm sure all the other ones in the store do light up but the one I purchased doesn't light up at all. LAME! I wan't my dollar ba-...eh...whatever.
But it is kinda cool. Pull the string and the skull chatters and, theoretically, the eyes light up. It'd be cool if it were true and not just a vicious lie.
Those were some dang cool toys...but now let's check out some costume elements.
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THE SWORD
My new pirate sword! KICK ASS. Okay, in the great war between Pirates and Ninjas I am forever in support of the ninjas, but as far as cheap Halloween Dollar Store junk goes, this is pretty top notch. There's a plastic jewel thing in the handle, and the scabbard has a loop for a belt-string. And it's not just grey plastic inside, either, it's all shiny chrome-like. Ooooh.
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These gauntlety things are, well, kinda cool I guess. I was really hoping for some giant hairy monster-hand gloves but Dollar Store shoppers can't be choosers. Unfortunately I didn't try them out in the store. Also a shame that I'm a moron, because they're obviously far too small for my hands. Still, like women with shoes; if it don't hurt it don't look good.
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This hat is half Indiana Jones, half Cowboy, and at least 3/4 really cheap pressed foam and awful painting. And the tag on it makes it look like it's a set of little fairy wings for a prepubescent girl. The hat has scratches and missed paint areas all over it. The only good thing about it is that when I'm wearing it I don't have to look at it. I think from far away it doesn't look too bad, though.
So what happens when theWAREHOUSE puts all of this crap together to form a lazy Halloween costume?
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Since I definitely don't have the same patience as Rob Cockerham when it comes to wearing costumes, there's no way I'd plan on dressing up as something so cumbersome as all of his man-centric dioramas turn out to be. I totally could if I wanted to, but I need a costume that won't interfere with my ability to play beer pong. BEER PONG.
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Think of me what you will, but I know all about my priorities.
Yes, I know I look stupid in those photos.
What's last? One more thing in that shameful bag of junk from the dollar store.
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Oh sweet! A DVD with cartoon zombie movies! That's pretty rad for a dollar store. Let's turn it over and check out what kind of sweet corny kids cartoon zombie movies we get to watch!
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WHAT THE HELL? It's a pair of live action black-and-white war propoganda zombie movies! This is outstandingly bad. Hah! And you know what that means, right? I've reviewed the first one for you and will put the article up in a few days the review is now up!. It's probably the most racist movie I've ever seen. King of the Zombies....
I hope you enjoyed checking out some of the awesomely bad stuff from the dollar store! I also hope you'll help defray the $8.50 I spent on this stuff. That's good money that could be going towards important things like whisky or repaying mobsters and bookies. I lost a high stakes game of knifey-spoony. They're gonna take my thumbs!
Remember, kids, if it's all pointy and sharp... it's probably not a spoon.
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