the WAREHOUSE

King of the Zombies

Action	Goreboard	Sexitudity	Skeery	Teh Funny	Deathcount
3	3	3	5	6	Deaths: 1
These are the slow shoving zombies, not the biting kind. They're basically just jerks.	Uh, not really. Skulls as decorations and some crummy makeup.	They try, I think, to show off what would be considered "sexy" half a century ago.	This category gets extra points, mostly for the overt racism.	It's pretty funny, if you're laughing at how racist it is.	I don't want to spoil the ending, but the bad guy dies. And one guy who died apparently didn't.

A few days ago I picked up a DVD with two zombie movies on it, and my goodness was it worth the price. The price, you ask? I got it at the Dollar Store. Here's the review of one of them. It's incredibly racist. The movie, not the review. So be warned, if you can't take a joke (me laughing at antiquated racist stereotypes) then this article probably isn't for you.

ZOMG everybody look out, it's the KING of the ZOMBIES!!!

Open scene with a plane flying at night. They're somewhere between Cuba and Puerto Rico. They can't contact anyone on the ground (maybe from zombie interference). There's a black guy who's super stereotyped and keeps yelling "Uh-oh! Uh-oh!" in a really high pitched voice. This is Jeff the "valet" of one of the crackers.

They find a mysterious island in the nick of time and manage to crash the airplane on it. The trio then wakes up in a cemetary. You know, after crashing and being flung out of the airplane. Oh man. Hahaha, there are tons of subtle racist jokes, mostly made by the black guy himself.

Oh by the way, I decided that for today's super-audience the simple "black and white" footage from yesteryear might be a little tedious. So I've carefully, painstakingly digitally enhanced some of the screen caps for your enjoyment. I think if you pay real close attention you might just notice a pleasant surprise here and there!

Apparently a "marble orchard" is an old term for a graveyard. Love it!

The black guy thinks his heart is beating too loudly but it's clearly drums playing in the background. Oh, black people, you so crazy!

Our intrepid adventurers consist of two level-headed white guys (Mr. Bill Summers and Mr. McCarthy) and one comic relief bug-eyed black man (Jefferson Jackson). They sneak up to an old creepy mansion. No one answers the door bell, so of course they break in.

OH NOES, it's a tall creepy guy with a candle! He invites the guests quite politely and introduces himself as Doctor Sangre.

The Doctor has a black manservant named Momba. The (white) gentlemen split some of "the finest brandy in all of Europe" that the Doctor brought to the island. Manservant Jeff reaches out for some but Dr. Sangre pulls it away from him! Bahaha this is awful!

Haha, Doctor Sangre insists that Blackie Jeff stays down in the servants quarters because him staying up with the white folks would be "a bad example to the other servants." and then Jeff gets so scared following Momba that he says "Sheeeou! If it was in me, I sure would be pale now!"

Jeff has a little conversation with some of "the help":
"Zombies? What's dem?"
"Dead folks...what walks around!"
"Dey does?"

The woman claps her hands and two zombies walk into the room. Apparently the zombies just wander around this mansion.

Jeff has some great euphemisms for zombies:
Dead folks what's too lazy to lay down.
Fugitives from the Undertaker.
Perishables.

Haha, so the point of the movie is the comically idiotic black manservant trying to convince his incredulously level-headed white bosses that the mansion is full of the Doctor's zombies!

The woman servant yells at Jeff, "Mister, that's something that ain't never no good for nobody to do no time!"

Heh.

That night, Jeff gets stuck in the basement kitchen at midnight. At each stroke of the clock, one of the candles he had set earlier goes out. Haha! Two giant zombies show up and ever so slowly reach out to get him. He runs away and convinces the gentlemen to let him stay with them.

"Why Mister Bill, this place is zombified, but good!"

After a couple hauntings and spooks in the night, the guys finally start to get suspicious. While sneaking around the mansion they end up being attacked by the two zombies but after being shoved around a bit the zombies just walk away. Oh noes! These are the worst zombies ever.

Doctor Sangre on the other hand, checks in on a secret voodoo ceremony. He has captured the admiral whose plane crased nearby the week before these guys. Haha, then he grabs Jeff and takes him down some secret passages. He hypnotizes Jeff into thinking he's died and has come back as a zombie.

OH NO, NOT MANSERVANT JEFF! NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo.

Mac stumbles into the room with Bill and the Doctor's neice (Barbara) trying to reverse-hypnotize the Doctor's wife. Mac is either injured or deathly ill, and Bill barks the great command to Barbara: "He's SICK, get some BRANDY!"

A doctor comes in from "the village" and pronounces that Jeff has been dead since morning - oh noes! Despite the fact that he walked right in. I'm pretty sure Jeff's going to come back as a zombie.

IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: It seems that Doctor Sangre is a Nazi Sympathizer and has been trying to zombify the Admiral who recently crashed into giving up American secrets.

Jeff, pretending to be a zombie (he's been hypnotized, remember), kind of leads the other zombies as a corporal. It's actually pretty darn funny. But the serving woman convinces Jeff that he's no zombie by the following zombie facts: Zombies have no reflection and Zombies dry up if they eat salt. Uh, I believe that's vampires and slugs respectively, but hey, whatever.

So finally Bill and Jeff are back together, yay! But poor old Mac's a zombie under the command of Sangre.

It seems that Doctor Sangre intends to transfer the soul of the Admiral into the body of Barbara so that he/she will tell Sangre (and thus ze Germans) the secrets of the military.

Huh! Go figure.

This whole movie is a propaganda piece. Clearly evil nazi sympathizers also dabble in the black arts of voodoo and witchcraft. GO AMERICA!

The guys sneak into a huge creepy ceremony. Spooooky! Doctor Sangre looks pretty messed up in a nice black suit and a creepy voodoo mask.

Momba the manservant finds Jeff and Bill and sicks the zombies on them. But Mac, the zombie, with the last shred of humanity left in him, ignores the command of Doctor Sangre, and instead chases Sangre into a flaming pit of doom! Seriously he doesn't even choke or shove him, he just advances menacingly towards the convincingly placed pit of fire.

Sangre bursts into flames and the hypnosis is for some reason lifted!

The Admiral and Mac and Barbara are all back and safe. And there was much rejoicing. Yayyyy.

Presumably anything that was really a zombie just stopped moving around, and that one guy who was totally dead (like "he's dead, Jim" dead) is back to life now. I don't know. Despite being shot several times by Doctor Sangre.

Hey at least the living won...
...or did they?