July 11th, 2008

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Groundhogs, aka woodchucks, aka whistlepigs, aka land-beaver are technically fatty-fat-fat squirrels in the marmot genus. Didja know that? I like the name whistlepig but they also go by the name "adorable little gardenfuckers."

It turns out that when we moved into our house last August it was not entirely vacant. There was at least one phat groundhog living in the back yard. More specifically, it lived under the deck. My deck. The neighbor laughs it off and says a family of groundhogs has been there for ages. Well, that's all well and good but, you see, between Aubrey's new herb and fruit garden, and the vegetables I'm planting, the eviction notice has been drawn up.

So stay tuned here for a bunch of pictures of me trying to rid the place of the chubbikins, or skip down a few screen heights to see the cute pictures of groundhogs.

 

 

Since I didn't want to kill the squatters I quickly realized the best way to go would be a Havahart trap. What's cool about our town is that if you give the Animal Control office a refundable $25 deposit (or was it $15?) they'll lend you a Havahart trap to use. But what's even cooler is not bothering with all that and just borrowing your Dad's trap, which is what I did. The metal cage has been serving faithfully for decades.

So here's the thing. A couple feet long and a food wide and tall. Simple enough. Dual entrance - zero exit. Muhahaha.

 

 

I first baited the trap with lettuce, slices of apple, and a few dabs of peanut butter on top of the whole thing. Peanut smell travels well and certainly works to attract mice, so I figured "why not?"

Supposedly trapping groundhogs is very easy, especially if you know where their burrow exits. Here's the thing: that's a darn lie. A fib, a concoction for rubes! I know exactly where the entrance to the burrow is - and I put the trap right there. I even used logs to block up the rest of the deck so the only way out was through the trap.

 

 

But here's the thing. Our little fatty groundhog must have more than one exit to the burrow because I had the trap set up for at least a week and got nothing but...nothing. The problem was compounded by the fact that the tiny little chipmunks in the area are able to get inside, set off the trap, eat the bait, and squeeze out between the bars. How do I know? Because I was sitting around one day and heard the trap go off. I leap up and run to the trap all "OMG OMG YAY" and see a chipmunk skittering across the top of the trap and out into the yard. Buggerall!

So here I am running through all our old fruit. So far it's been two or three apples, some wilting lettuce, some banana peels, and several furry strawberries. Oh and a few gobs of peanut butter but I'm netting out that that doesn't really accomplish anything.

 

 

In case you were wondering, here's how the trap gets set. The short catch is held in place by the bend end of the, er, bent up one. The bent one in turn holds the straight one. When some varmint-cong wanders in, it trips the horizontal plate in the center of the trap, moving the short catch out of the way of the bendy rod. The two long rods hold up the doors to the trap. When they fall, wires slide down to prevent the animal from being able to push open the doors.

 

 

RING RING

me: "Uh, Hello?"
neighbor: "YOU'RE GONNA DIE! (laughing) You're not going to believe it. Your trap caught my kitty!"
me: "Oh no kidding?"
nb: "Yes she's stuck in there and I can't get her out! I called [my husband] and told him to come home!"
me: "Oh well it's really pretty easy to open you just-"
nb: "I don't know what to do, how do you"
me: "Okay you just. Wait. See the thick bars-"
nb: "What does...how does this thing work?"
me: "Well look just. No. Just lift up the rod and then lift up the door"
nb: "I don't...okay. I'm going to."
me: "Yeah it's pretty simple, just take your time."
cat: MRREEEEEEAAWAWOWOOWOWWWWWWWWW
nb: *slam bang stomp crash*
me: "How's it going over there?"
nb: "Okay she just ran away."

So lucky me the first thing I actually caught was the neighbor's cat. That's fine. Maybe it'll help it stop wandering all of my yard and stressing out our dog. I just wish the neighbor hadn't broken off the top of Aubrey's tender, freshly-planted raspberry cane.

 

 

My second capture was this squirrel fellow. Ain't he cute? Turns out that squirrels are super intelligent and incredibly easy to piss off. A good way would be - should you really want to piss off a squirrel - trap it in a cage all afternoon. This poor fellow was running back and forth from each end of the trap. He came over to the side and tried shaking or moving each little crossbar on the cage portion. Bummer.

Easy enough to move him deep in the back yard and lift up the door. He sat there for a few seconds and then bolted.

 

 

Remember this. Never give them the chance. They're furious bundles of rage.

 

 

FINALLY a week or two later I come home to find Aubrey sitting on the deck watching the Havahart trap. In it was a groundhog! Woo! Cute as a button as long as you don't look too closely. They chitter and chatter adorably. TASTE THE SUFFERING.

So what's the problem now? Well see the thing is that I know this whistlepig isn't the same land-beaver that I'd seen out in the yard. This guy was much smaller. So there's definitely a family out there somewhere. And I guess I've got to keep trapping. I had sort of been holding out hope that it was just a lone fat bachelor, but it seems like he's been gettin' biz-zay.

 

 

Like I said, super cute as long as you don't look too closely. Check out those feet! As a coworker perfectly said, they look "like burnt witch hands."

 

 

Eeeeeevil. But so cute!

Anyway I called animal control and left a message about the groundhog. Twenty or so minutes later I realized that there was a guy on my back deck in a Gorton's Fisherman poncho in the middle of transferring it to a cage that he can take away. Err, thanks for calling back. Or knocking. Anyway the little furry creature soon was on his way, and he took the groundhog with him. See what I did there? It's off to be relocated in a safe drop preserve.

I'll try to keep y'all updated on what else I catch in my trap!

Fatty-fat-fat.

The End
 

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