January 8th, 2008

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This is going to be one of those articles where people ask how on Earth I got such a great wife while doing crazy stuff like this.

This article is going to be dry. It's going to be drier than Morgan Freeman's elbows. It's going to be drier than a lecture about a lecture about dust. Drier than the loser in a Getting Wet Near Great Bodies of Water contest. Get it? It's a double entendre. Because the article is both boring and it's about stuff that dries things out. I'm klever!

A desiccant is a common small product included in a variety of consumer goods. Its purpose is to casually absorb moisture (humidity, not pools of water) that would otherwise damage the product. They're those little things that everyone immediately thows out once they open their wasabi peas, medications, shoes...etc.

Everyone but me. Because I'm dangerously insane.

Want to see my collection of desiccants?

 

 

SURE YOU DO. We'll start off with a fun one. These neat little "barrel" type desiccants came, I think, with some shoes. Or pills. Who knows. Anyway, they have a neat little joke on them in a sweet dot-matrix font: DO NOT EAT. Hahaha, yeah right, DriCap corporation. If we weren't supposed to eat them, why are they the size and shape of a stack of a couple Smarties? Delicious

 

 

These gorgeous little pillows promise big and deliver little...but in a big way! Yeah boyyyy. This is a trip down paradoxically oxymoronic lane! One message on the pillow is "HARMLESS ABSORBENT" followed immedately by "DO NOT EAT". So which is it, Sorb-It corporation? Delicious, or deadly? Or both?

 

 

I have a ton of these. Guess in which type of packaging these come? That's right...sleeping pills! I probably should try popping a few of these some time. You know what I love? Awful outdated grammar. You know what adding quotes around a dire warning does? It's like adding a wink. Do not eat...nudge nudge. These sure wouldn't go well with nacho cheese...if you know what I mean. Don't open them up and snort the silica gel inside...or do.

 

 

Another nice option, this one from the VitaPac folks. This one is great in that is has kanji. What is that, Chinese? I don't think it's Japanese. Probably Chinese. Chances are, some of this stuff's in your sesame chicken. It doesn't quite pack the punch of MSG but, hey, it'll do. Note the giant VitaPac logo. Way flashier than the SORB-IT people above. Those attention whores.

 

 

Pillow Paks are sexy. Thank you fine folks at Desiccare! I have no idea what their logo is. It looks like a guy in a turban. Are you saying Pillow Paks is short for pillow Pakistani? Because that's pretty racist, guys. Wait, do Pakistanis even wear turbans? Either way, not cool, Desiccare. Not cool.

Note this is the first with a note saying it's not only for humidity, but odor. These probably came in shoes. Also, it hides its "do not eat" warning on the back, and in many languages. I bet that means it's tasty.

 

 

BORING. NEXT.

 

 

That's what I'm talkin' about! Look at this bitch! It's shiny. It has color. Great googly-moogly I'd turn the Great Lakes into the Sahara with an army of these little dervishes. Check it out! Simplicity in design, too. "deoxidizer" replaced "dehumidifier"...wait...are these things going to steal all my oxygen? I CAN'T BREATHE. Oh wait, it prevents oxidation. Fine. Whatever.

 

 

Runner up to the favorite, this Best KEPT desiccant also has color, dire warnings, kanji, and a bizarre logo. It looks like the Best is broadcasting to the KEPT to get its ass back up to the same line. Why woulda desiccant broadcast? Shouldn't it draw in? And this one doesn't even beat around the bush (lol). It just says "Oxygen Absorber". This one will fucking murder you. Despite that, it looks like a gourmet's dream, doesn't it? That's why they had to put both "do not eat" and "do not microwave" on it. You know what that makes me want to do? That's right. Microwave it.

 

 

Look at this. Look. At. This. Balking at the mere social conventions of the last two desiccants, this pack uses red and green instead of red and blue. Amazing. He calls no man mister. Also, they're traditional pizza company colors. Additionally, the graphic of a guy eating a pizza bite! Don't do it, dude! I know these are delicious, but it will dry you up just like the Ark melted those Nazis! Which is to say severely. Look at that poor unsuspecting fool. Those dead, casual eyes. Amazing.

Those eyes. There's something...hypnotic about them...

 

 

 

 

 

 

The End
 

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